Three years ago I put out a call for fan fiction about Cleatus, the inexplicable FOX NFL robot (because when you think football, you think robots, obviously.) Cleatus, for whatever reason, is easily one of the top three Zulkey.com subjects I hear about most from readers--despite the post appearing in the somewhat-distant past. I periodically receive suggestions on what Cleatus is up to, thinking or planning. This past week I received a piece of historical fiction about Cleatus so epic it seemed wrong not to share it with you, so below, please find a lovely story from Mike about how Cleatus changed history. It will especially warm the hearts of any Bears fans who are feeling lost now that there is a void where the post-season was supposed to be. If you have your own thoughts about the Cleatus universe, feel free to share them below. Enjoy. And Happy New Year!
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October 17th 1947
With the failed D-Day attempt, Hitler seemed unstoppable. That was--til' Cleatus was built. He was originally designed to be the next gen football player, but when his draft card was pulled, he became the Americans most powerful super weapon.
Lamar Hunt helped build Cleatus with his father, oil tycoon H.L. Hunt, in their garage. Cleatus and Lamar were best friends, and every day they would play football together.
When Cleatus's draft card came in the mail, Lamar begged him to not go, but Cleatus knew what he had to. He had to fulfill his duty as an American. He had to fight the evil Nazis. Lamar knew he couldn't let his best friend go alone, so he did what any true American would do: he went to war.
When they arrived at basic training, Gen. Patton noticed that Cleatus was no normal man, but rather a man of steel. With their passion for freedom and insane football skills, Cleatus and Lamar were the only forces that could end the war.
Patton launched the most daring mission of the war: Operation Hail Mary. Cleatus and Lamar were to blitz their way to Berlin, leaving Nazis trailing behind as they rushed to their one goal, Adolf Hitler.
Armed only with a shield and a football-sized atomic bomb, Cleatus and Lamar were on a suicide mission to the heart of the fatherland.
As they closed in on the capitol, Hitler's finest linebacker, Ruldolf Heß, was on the defense. But he was not match for Cleatus's speed. Cleatus easily avoid Heß's grasp. But Lamar was only human. Ruldolf grabbed Lamar and gave him prostate cancer. Even though he was injured, Lamar still fought on, like a true American. He threw Ruldolf to the ground. He knew that he wasn't able to go on. He told Cleatus to complete the mission, and leave him he to fend for himself.
Cleatus knew what he had to do. He had to destroy his feeling receptors if he was to complete the mission. Cleatus grabbed the back of his own neck, pulling away the receptors that were causing the pain. He left Lamar. It was the only way. He ran in to Hitler's palace. Hitler was waiting for him. Hitler knew that there was no way to stop Cleatus now.
As Cleatus was about to spike the atomic football he noticed a girl standing in the shadows. She was not like any of the Nazis Cleatus had encountered before. She was innocent. He knew that she must not be harmed.
He spiked the ball and grabbed the girl with the golden star, using his shield to protect her from the radioactive blasts.
The mission was accomplished.
Lamar was able to hold back the Nazi army single-handedly, and noticed the atomic radiation flying towards him. As he braced for his impending doom a swoop of metal came in and grabbed him by his sleeve. Cleatus could never leave his best friend behind.
55 years later...
Lamar knows his days are numbered. His wife Anne has been dead for many years now. Cleatus has been different since the war; he doesn't talk now, his no longer dances when he scores a touchdown. Lamar has been keeping the spirit of football alive over the years, but he is not immortal. He asks Cleatus to carry on the legacy and true meaning of football. Cleatus takes his old shield and heads in to the green screen room. He is a true America hero.