Thanksgiving makes me fat.
Countless magazine articles and morning talk show pieces are centered around the concept that eating Thanksgiving dinner will give you instant diabetes. God forbid you actually enjoy a day meant for sharing a good meal without strategizing and overthinking it. If you really have a complex about it, run or walk a Turkey Trot in the morning. Before dinner, think about what your favorite Thanksgiving food is and don't eat too much else that would compete with that. Don't drink too much either because that gives you the post-dinner sads.

I hate the people I eat Thanksgiving dinner with.
And yet you still go eat with them? I bet they know you hate them and wonder why you show up every year. Come armed with some non-inflammatory conversation topics. "Did you see Gravity"? "What do you hope to get for Christmas this year?" "Any travel plans?" Then leave early because you have to walk the dog or somebody else's dog.

The Christmas decorations are up too early.
Christmas is less than a month away, so it's not that big a deal. Are little twinkly flattering and romantic lights the worst of your problems?

I have too many parties to attend.
Poor popular you. Just try saying "no" sometime and get over yourself. Other people's parties will go on without you.

Black Friday, amirite?
Take the gay marriage route of Black Friday. Hate Black Friday shopping? Don't do it. Are you angry about the people who have to work at department stores on Thanksgiving? Have you also been angry every year about the cab drivers, train conductors, hotel maids, nurses, convenience store and tollway booth employees who have always worked on Thanksgiving too? Just relax and/or be consistent.

People say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
Holy cow, this is not a real problem. Someone tries to say something nice to you and you're offended that it's not the exact nice thing you want to hear? I don't think Jesus would shed a tear for you in that department.

(If that failed to help you, maybe you can entertain yourself by reading this interview I did with the mom of a baby model over at the Toast. Or Friday, tune in to 91.5-FM WBEZ (Chicago Public Radio) at 2 PM CST to hear me do my best to talk about the news and whatnot. And of course, on Friday, please be sure to come out for Funny Ha-Ha: Thanks a LOT.