Dry Skin:
First wash with medium-warm water. Pat, but don't blot, with a bath towel (not a hand towel and definitely not a washcloth.) Look at your skin for exactly seven seconds. Then look away. Take four squares of toilet paper and wet with the Dry Skin toning serum. Sweep in concentric circles about the face, neck and decolletage. Store the paper in the accompanying recycling bin. Wash your hands. Apply a pencil-tipped size amount of the lotion to your finger and dot it about your face in a manner that looks vaguely tribal (but do not be insulting about it.) Right before it starts to burn, rub it in. Do not rub too soon or else it will be ineffective. Do not rub too late or else it will burn all the more intensely. Immediately go to bed and turn off the light.

Oily Skin:
Write the word "water" on a piece of paper and run that about the face lightly. Apply Oily Skin skin cream sparingly and then Oily Skin oil liberally. Use short, firm strokes to apply skin care products (it is best to use the middle finger. If your own middle finger is unavailable, ask a friend.) Do not stretch the skin, despite the understandable temptation to stretch the skin. After applying, gently tap the area with your or someone else's fingers for half a minute. Rinse (using piece of paper) and repeat.

Pale Skin:
Wash all the dirt off your dirty face. Apply patented Pale Skin treatment and refrain from going out of doors. Do not use if you have had one or more sexual partners in the last year or use alcohol or dance in Jazz nightclubs. May cause eye bleeding.

Combination Skin:
Open the pores by exposing them to heavy steam for fifteen minutes. Once the pores are open, try to reason with them a little bit. The moment they seem to be coming around to your way of thinking, rinse quickly with ice-cold water to shut their stupid little mouths up forever. Apply Combination Skin treatment. Leave on for 5-10 hours

Sun-Damaged Skin:
Exfoliate gently with a 15-year-old toothbrush. Wash with water that is exactly 73 degrees: 74 and up will increase your symptoms and you don't even want to know what 72 and lower will do. Apply Sun Product exactly twelve seconds after washing has completed. If you do not do this correctly you must start over. 

Prematurely-Aged Skin:
After washing, blot don't pat. Daub but don't rub. Stroke but do not wipe. Massage but do not squeeze. Caress but do not dandle. It is important that you apply the Prematurely-Aged skin product to skin when it is warm but not hot or cold. Do not apply Prematurely-Aged product without first taking temperature with the subdermal thermometer (not included).

Face/Off Skin:
Remove face. Switch with other face. Repeat.