This story is slightly old (as in, about a week or two), but forgive me, I was in transition when it was breaking news. So Sean Parker (of Napster fame) threw himself an elaborate Lord of the Rings-style wedding in California's Big Sur forest, and then came under fire for the grandiosity and potential environment-ruining nature of the wedding. Parker, peeved that his special day was ruined by the media, paid his fines but also responded with a 9500-word screed on TechCrunch, defending both his wedding and his good name, insisting that his wedding was environmentally friendly to begin with, that he paid his penalties and donated and contributed over $1.5 million in charitable donations serving the coastal region of the Monterey Peninsula, and that it was really awful that he got criticized for his wedding, anyway. However, not too many media outlets are giving him much sympathy.

The thing that surprises me, though, is that Parker cares one whit about what anyone thinks about his dream wedding. If you've ever watched an episode of Bridezillas, one of the cardinal rules of being a bridezilla is that you 1.) Don't give a damn about what anyone thinks of you or your wedding and 2.) Everyone is jealous of you. (#3 is, of course, to destroy anyone who gets in your way, which in Parker's case, was, of course, a bunch of trees and fish. Zing!)

But seriously if I were him, my TechCrunch manifesto would read more like this:

Yeah My Wedding Was Huge and You Wish You Were There

My wife Alexandra and I met five years ago, fell in love, and almost immediately began fantasizing about our wedding day, which, we both agreed, should take place deep within an enchanted forest. (You know, sort of like Lothlórien, the mythical home of Galadriel in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.)

 

SO IT DID. Boom.

While other losers out there toil their stupid small lives away hoping to sock away enough money to rent a meeting room in a Holiday Inn or whatever to host their pitiful unmeaningful ceremonies, we spent the better part of two years hiking through redwood forests all over California, trying to find the perfect spot for our wedding. We enlisted the help of Save the Redwoods League, a noted conservation group, to help identify an appropriate site and also to provide advice on how to avoid harming the natural redwood habitat. And then you know what I did? I gave the League a check for $1 million dollars a note on the memo line reading "F YOU I'M SEAN PARKER I'LL DO WHAT I WANT" (the memo lines on my checks are huge because I'm Sean Parker and everything I do is huge.) Then I paid the CEO of the League a million dollars to smoke the check like a cigar while riding around on a unicycle while wearing a tiny hat like a bear. And then I was like, "Why aren't you a bear?" So I bought a bear.

The vision for our wedding was to integrate with nature as much as possible--but then we were like, "LOL, naw, nature is for poor people." So we tore down the trees and replaced them with SOLID GOLD TREES. My wife's bridal headpiece was made from a dodo that we had cloned, raised and then killed again for its feathers (and then I burned the dodo's corpse so no one can replicate it.) We had our guests garbed in old-timey costumes that we dug up from some Medici graveyard in Italy. Do you know the dry cleaning bill on that mess alone? You can't even fathom it. It's probably more than you and your mom and her mom will ever make in your cumulative lives. I'M SEAN PARKER.

So, yeah, some haters are gonna hate. They're just mad that they weren't invited and weren't sent home with gift bags that were made out of premature baby mink fur (Unfortunately they were too heavy for people to carry home because they were filled with diamonds I had some cute [the cutest only] kids from Africa mine for us so we just threw the bags in the trash and then set them on fire so no one else could have them.) These people are just jealous that they couldn't take part in the Electric Slide that we flew everyone over to to New Zealand for (since that's where they filmed LOTR) and then back in time for the cake which of course we had the Cake Boss made for us because he's the best.

 

Also, our ice cream bar featured both WHITE AND GREEN mint chip ice cream so suck on that. Oh wait, you can't.

 

Frankly, if I didn't have all kinds of internet losers writing envious blog posts about me I'd feel like I didn't throw the wedding of my dreams. And you know what? I already divorced that wife and am getting ready to marry some other lady so I can do it all over again, but this time in the rainforest, just because I can. And you can't.