I know it's only June 9 but I would like to go ahead and award Most Improved Cat in our household to the one and only Fatty:

Fatty, as you probably know, is a legendary cat, based on her extreme irresistibility. To reiterate what makes her so irresistible, it's the fact that she looks like a pillow stuffed with clouds, has the short arms of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, enjoys rolling over so you can pet her soft underbelly with your foot, and makes tiny peep noises that are in inverse proportion to her hefty frame.

Fatty has her drawbacks though. One of them is that her extreme obesity makes it impossible for her to clean herself properly, so of course (I know you know this already: I'm just going over it for the out-of-towners) she gets hair clumping and dandruff, which is why this is occasionally called for:

But more problematic is that over the last few months, Fatty has taken to filling our basement with her urine. Not in her litter box, of course: that's what she's supposed to do. But just on the floor.

To be frank, this caused some tension in my marriage. I inherited the cats and have come to see them, if not as my cats, at least my step-cats. I'm cordial with them and give them small doses of affection (I am allergic which prevents me from developing any sort of intimate snuggling relationship with them.) If Steve is out of town I'll feed them and even occasionally scoop their litter box. But I draw the line at cleaning up cat urine. I won't do it. I won't. It's an urgent problem but it's not my problem. It's no longer "my" cat, it's your cat.

If you don't have a cat, let me just tell you that cat piss is the worst substance on earth. I've indirectly inhaled pepper spray: at least that stops affecting you after awhile. Cat pee actually burns your nose and seems to get into your nasal cavity. When trapped in an unventilated basement, the stench and caustic nature of it just tends to reverberate, making for several a tense mid-laundry discussion. "Fatty peed in the basement again." "Crap. OK, I'll get to it." "[Passive-aggressive silence indicating that not only should it be dealt with now, it should have been dealt with already, and maybe we should just throw the cat in the garbage can.]"

Long story short, we took Fatty to the vet and tried figuring out what was wrong with her. Maybe she had crystals in her urine. Maybe she had a urinary tract infection. Finally, we figured it out.

First, Fatty, unbeknownst to us, had been building up a piss reservoir in the basement previously undiscovered until recently. She had been squatting in a hidden corner of the basement, letting it build up, which is why the smell never seemed to go away. Poor Steve discovered it and cleaned it all up by himself, an undertaking which left him clearly shaken. I pitied up right up until that point that would have involved me helping him, and then stopped right there. But we were glad that we found the mother lode of piss.

Secondly, well, we realized that Fatty was just too fat for her litter box. For modesty's sake, the cat boxes have lids on them, and we realized that Fatty couldn't squeeze her fat ass in there to pee. If my mother in law is reading this right now (hi, Tudy!) I'd like her to know that this is why we call her Fatty and not her traditional name, Steve. She responds to Fatty,and Fatty is what she is. Tudy is incredibly sweet to the cats and I think finds "Fatty" demeaning, but let's be real: if you're a cat too fat to fit inside your toilet and thus use the floor as your toilet, then, as Jeff Foxworthy might say, you just might be a Fatty.

Since cleaning up the piss lake and finding Fatty a queen-sized box (and a bit of medicine just to round things out), we're proud to say the basement has been pee-free for over a week. This morning I petted her on my way out to work and realized that I like her 100% more than I did when she was filling our basement up with poisonous substances.

So, keep it up, Fatty! You're doing great and we love you for it. You're #1 in my book.

(Thanks to Fuzzy for this interpretation of Fatty reaching her full potential:)