"Merry Christmas! You may know me from the O.J. Simpson trial. We cannot figure out how to spell our daughter's name."

"Merry Christmas! We love the Teenage Ninja Mutant Ninja Turtles, just like the rest of America! We are almost normal."

"Merry Christmas! We are pure and clean; Santa is a whore."

"Merry Christmas! This is the Super Bowl Shuffle of holiday cards"

"Merry Christmas! We make the family from that show "Dynasty" seem like the Beverly Hillbillies."

"Merry Christmas! A lot happened this year: can you tell? Also: Ryan Seacrest!"

"Happy holidays."