Also, think about trying to grow your hair out, maybe wearing a bra, try dating men for once. Think about putting on some high heels, the higher the better. Think about what purse is going to go with that outfit and if the logo is big enough for people to see. Think about lipstick: does anybody really wear it anymore or are we all on gloss now? Think about touching up those unsightly grays because they make you look old and dumpy. Think about doing what women are supposed to do: go out and spend cash with other girls and talk about how dumb men are yet how they won't give us their money. Think about what you're going to order at brunch: you don't want to get fat but you don't want to look like you really care about what you eat. Think about Cheryl, with her stupid smirk, how she thinks she's going to look better than you at brunch but you'll show her what weekend best is really all about. Think about Cheryl's husband, too, how you know you could probably sleep with him if you tried but he is too gross. Think about the economy. No wait, don't think about the economy. Think about...doing what is right, and that is looking good and feeling bad. Think of the children, the children in the restaurant who won't stop screaming and who need a good smack but nobody disciplines their kids anymore. Think about your kids, about how if they weren't around you could afford more weekend brunch and weekend best. Think about whether a little dog might compliment your look. Think about another bloody mary but for god's sake, don't get it on your ladylike goddamn dress or else you might as well just think about killing yourself.

In writing news on the AV Club I covered the Jude Law ep of SNL and contributed to A soundproofed room of one's own: 17 well-intended yet misguided feminist anthems and watched the premiere of the Celebrity Apprentice for TV.com so you don't have to.