You can have my wife for a while if you want, since I am busy this week. She makes cookies sometimes but more often tries to make you eat fresh fruits and vegetables. She walks the dog but only during the daytime but she pretty much is useless when it comes to cat maintenance. She's not skinny or fat but she sure can put it away. She exercises in the mornings a lot which is annoying, especially after she stayed up late the night before reading. Sometimes you need to close the laptop in her face to get her to talk to you. Sometimes she plays the same song on repeat 10 times in a row. Be careful: sometimes when you're taking off your shirt and it's over your head she will try to grab your stomach. If any item of clothing has holes in it she will try and get you to throw them out so hide those. Shes' good at IM'ing you videos of animals doing funny things. She's pretty short and you will have to re-adjust the carseat if you let her drive.

I demand $5 for these services. Please respond to Steve Delahoyde, Chicago.