A lot of people have been speculating about the "death panels" that will be convened to determine whether a person should get to receive health care based on his or her level of productivity in society under President Obama's proposed health care plan. This has led to a lot of hysteria and misinformation, especially from concerned elderly citizens who fear that the government will effectively euthanize them if they're sick.

This, of course, is preposterous. Let me clear a few things up about Obama's healthcare plan and who and who will not have the "plug" pulled on them when it comes down to it:

You will be euthanized if you cannot beat the President at a game of one-on-one basketball.

You will be put down if you do not have a proper measure of liberal white guilt in your bloodstream.

You will be killed if you are not a Muslim (death to infidels.)

You are not entitled to a right to life if you lost your virginity after the age of 14.

You will be put down if you have never had a homosexual encounter or will admit to the panel that you've always been "curious."

You will not get to live your life to its natural conclusion if you like things the way they were "in the old days" because the old days were old and stupid and slow and we don't have time for things like that anymore.

You will be euthanized if you are over 30. "Logan's Run" was a documentary, it turns out.

Your life will be terminated early if you have never experimented with drugs because this country does not need a bunch of uptight killyjoys sucking up all the oxygen.

You will be killed if you are pro-life. Just because this administration is a fan of cruel irony.

You will NOT be put down if you are Obama's (secret Kenyan) grandma.