But first: I will be out of town tomorrow through the weekend, so Zulkey.com will return Monday, hopefully tan from the Arizona sun and smug to have missed some epic Chicago "springtime" weather.

p. 42:
This is the best article I have seen on the risks associated with oral sex and how best to reduce them. I had never heard of a dental dam before. Please do read this.
Love,
Mom

p. 116:
How is your day going? You must be really busy. When I die, please don't put me in a safety deposit box, okay?

p.170:
Dad and I are worried about you. We haven't heard from you since you called Monday nite to say you ate moldy bread. Please call or let us know everything is okay so we can stop worrying.

p. 198:
OK on top of worrying about you considerably the last two days I dream last night that my doctor was putting the moves on me and when I went to see him he turned into Javier Bardem

From the site (some of these are a little long; feel free to choose however many you want):
Surprise, I am writing you an email.

I NEED HELP AND SOON, BEFORE I STARVE TO DEATH !!!!

I am guessing that you are wondering how come I'm doing this -- it's just because I am locked into my computer room and cannot get out. I was trying to put a door knob on the door and got started, but the thing went completely closed as I was trying to see if it was going to fit -- and now here I am having to stoop so low as to write an email to you to see if you could call someone to come get me out. My phones, of course, are all in the other room. I thought that perhaps you could call Beverly and have her and Howie come over and get me out. If you happen to have Tami's number then call her.

Anyhow, can you get me out of here. I guess I'll just play games on the computer until someone lets me out of here. Send me an email to let me know you are doing this for me.

**
I just talked to Grandma and your aunt's wedding is going to be the 6th of December. She asked if she could send your invitation here and I told her that if she wanted YOU to get it, she should mail it to YOU. Novel idea? Anyway, the best part of the conversation came later when she told me that your aunt had found her dress and it is beautiful but your aunt is worried that because the dress is ivory, people will think she's not a virgin. Are you kidding me? She's 41 years old. I'd be wearing flaming scarlet so no one would think I was a virgin, especially if I were. I didn't think there was such a thing as a real forty year old virgin. I thought even nuns had had an adventure or two by that age! Geez! At least I'm not related to them by blood.

L,

M
**
Backstory: My parents are getting a divorce after 20 years of marriage, and word has gotten back to a certain Great-Aunt who has always had a fondness for sending us Bibles and other unsolicited Christian literature. Up to this point, my mom tactfully stays quiet about the religious stuff, but she gets kinda fierce when anyone tries to tell her how to handle the end of her marriage.

For Christmas, your great-Aunt F sent me a postcard wishing me success in the reconciliation of my marriage.
Then, a couple of weeks ago, she sent me a DVD about saving my marriage the Christian way. She said "Even though I am a Christian, I'm not trying to convert you. I accept that you are not a Christian, but I hope you'll find this helpful."

I'm gonna write her back- "Even though I am a sinner, I'm not trying to convert you. I accept that you're not a sinner, but I hope you'll find this helpful."

The note will be attached to a vibrator.
**
DO NOT GET A CAT...I'VE HAD IT WITH ALL FUCKEN CATS... EVER TRY AND GIVE A CAT A PILL?... IT SUCKS AND YOUR DAD DOESN'T HELP! I CAN HARDLY WAIT TILL ALL OF THESE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE AND LEAVE ME IN PEACE.

SORRY, I JUST HAD TO VENT... YOUR BROTHER WENT OUT. MOM
**
Mom: It's funny, I leave food out for the dogs all day and they don't touch it. They wait until I'm there and then they gorge it all down. They're like, 'Karen's home! Time to eat!'

Me: They call you Karen? Doesn't that bother you?

Mom: Well, they know I'm not their mom. Actually, I'm sure they have some special name for me in dog-language that I don't understand, but I'm sure it is very respectable.

**
Why don't you start a trend? Try dating him BEFORE you sleep with him. The dating thing might catch on.

**
i was so mad @ dad cause he had a swearing meltdown in the car; he dropped me off @ pig to get a few things & he went to get coffee. when i was done (it was slow cause they had no cashier so the checker didn't know what she was doing, but I was patient) and got in the car he had a fit, his coffee was cold, if he knew i was going to buy more than one thing he'd have made me go alone. SO I got home and wrote "you suck" in lipstick on the bathroom mirror AND on his tribune daily crossword...it was usuck across and crabass down...it worked quite well...i'm not going to take that verbal abuse so i have ways of making myself feel better: leave notes and clean and make lots of noise while he's reading the paper. Sometimes it's so much fun being married