I can't bring myself to get in the shower, let alone blog beautifully and wittily. But fortunately the me of the past has written things for you to read. Like my Emusic review of Artie Lange's book "Too Fat to Fish."

I also wrote about last night's episode of "American Idol" for the AV Club.

If you live in Chicago, next week you should come and see me co-host the Opium Literary Deathmatch! If you lived in Chicago during the heady days of the later early 21st century and want to relive the excitement of the online literary scene, this is the night for you. Also, there is alcohol.

Finally, I contributed, along with many other fancy writers, to Six-Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak. Buy one for your sweetie (or yourself) for Valentine's day!