The big celebrity news of the old fashioned variety (IE no pictures of anybody's naughty bits) recently is that Alex Rodriguez's wife is claiming that the Yankee had an affair with Madonna, whose own marriage is publicly on the rocks. The whole thing would be very juicy except for one part that's confounding me--why would anybody, especially anybody famous, have an affair with Madonna? Here are my arguments re: why not:

• She doesn't seem like she's a lot of fun. What does Madonna do when she's not working? Work out, practice Kabbalah, hang with her kids, that's about it. She doesn't seem like she likes to go play putt-putt and have a milkshake afterwards or sit outside and drink margaritas and eat chips and guacamole or even lay around on the couch and watch TV. She seems like the kind of person who would make you feel bad for doing those sort of things, actually. I admire how disciplined she is but she seems like sort of a pill.


• The accent. Come on, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't have one and if she faked it it would still be better.


• The parts. Madonna as a whole looks great but break it down and I'm not sure she's someone who'd look so great all natural and up close (and I say this as a person with no physical flaws whatsoever. Her face is looking extra taut and feline lately and her body is scary. I bet if she got up on the mound she could throw at least 80 mph.


• The sex. Is this even a thing anymore? It's not even that Madonna blew her proverbial wad on the whole kinky sex fiend thing, it's that they're a dime a dozen anymore. I'm sure there are Yankee groupies would would happily do things for ARod that Madge couldn't even consider without the aid of some Glucosamine Chondroitin.


• Being with Madonna is Hall of Fame poison. Who are her famous athletic conquests? Jose Conseco and Dennis Rodman. Congratulations, ARod--like the others, you're now a Formerly Talented Player Turned Full-Time Asshole

Now I am not a Madonna hater. I enjoy her music and I think she does work her butt off and it's fun having her around. But I am one of those conspiracy theorists who thinks that everything she does is calculated and planned. At first I thought that it was a shame that she and Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce (actually, I felt glad for Guy and hoped that maybe this meant he'd come out of this with a really excellent, non-Madonna, non-Malawi, non-Kabbalah movie) until I realized that we're not just talking about whether or not they're getting divorced, it's whether or not she also had an affair with this very high-profile athlete. It works out extremely well for her, of course, since we're all talking about her JUST in time for her tour to start and JUST in time for her to turn 50 which of course is actually the new 20 because you can't be 50 and have affairs with MLB players and not be fabulous. Right? Right?

But what's in it for him?