Things I Hope They Don't Find Out About Me When I Run For President

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The crazy cannibalism-based religion I grew up with

That I used to be fat and wasn't proud of my curves

That I've spent more than $100 on a pair of shoes knowingly

That I think singing "God Bless America" at baseball games is dumb.

That I've wished harm upon some of my fellow Americans, sometimes even on a daily basis while riding the bus

That I hate strong women, typically when they're yelling at me