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Ideas For What to Get The Little Lady for Valentine's Day

If she's of child-bearing age...
A box of tampons. She will be thrilled by your thoughtfulness and the practicality of the gift.

If she's menopausal...
A congenial pat on the back.

If she's overweight...
A candy box filled with motivational sayings to get her to go to the gym. It's up to you whether or not you want to keep the chocolate scent in the box.

If you're taken but she's been harboring a crush on you for years...
A marriage proposal on bended knee. Then, get up and say, "I thought you'd enjoy that," and go home to your wife.

If you're going to be out of town that day...
A bong and a carton of ice cream. Put a bow on it so it looks a little more romantic, dude.

If she's an online love...
A framed photo of a handsome man (usually can be found already in picture frames for sale.)

If she's terminally ill...
A sweet Valentine promising that your next wife will be made to feel uncomfortable in her shadow the entire time you're together.

If you're about to dump her...
The traditional symbolic I'm-Sorry-Single-Family-Home and the Good-Luck-With-Your-Future-Endeavors diamond ring. She'll totally get it and be cool with it.

If you're not sure...
A date with a black guy.