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OK, so you want to know what happened?

It's very embarrassing. But honestly I'm tired of reading these stories and it's time to put it all to rest.

I have this friend, Tiffany. You may not have heard of her because frankly, I've been trying to get her out of my life for 25 years. I've known her since preschool and it has always been a toxic relationship. She would steal my boyfriends and I would steal her wallet and she'd fight over who was thinner and then who was fatter and then who was thinner again. I think the only reason I was friends with her was because her house always smelled really good. She always used nice candles and whatnot, even when she was a little kid. Probably unsafe.

Anyway Tiffany got engaged last year, naturally to a guy that I liked. I didn't just like him: I was pregnant with his baby. And then I just can't help but think that Tiffany was kind of rubbing it in somehow when she asked me to be her maid of honor. I don't know why I said yes.

Tiffany was pretty bad when it came to being the proverbial Bridezilla. I'm too flustered right now to come up with details, so imagine your most hyperbole-filled stereotype and then magnify that times, like a million. And that should give you a very clear and specific impression of what I mean.

Anyway, Tiffany told me my duties at the wedding would be to carry her train down the aisle, pick up the rice after the ceremony and bug the people who hadn't brought presents yet, asking then when they'd be ponying up.

So I snapped. The day of the wedding, I went to David's Bridal and picked out the cheapest dress in my size. I put it on, and then went to a bar I guess I got pretty hammered (I had already given birth to the baby, which I sold to Tiffany and husband for $500 and a new lamp) because I missed the ceremony. I showed up at the reception drunk and in a wedding gown. Tiffany spotted and and ran over.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked. "You've ruined everything! It's because you're just jealous of me, isn't it?"

Then I screamed an obscenity that is so bad you probably haven't even heard of yet it. It manages to offend people of four religions, three races and all manner of sexual preference. I yelled it so loud my throat and head started hurting. I yelled so loud the DJ dropped the needle and made this horrible scratching sound. It was so weird that that happened.

So that made everybody in the whole wedding hall mad, save one deaf busboy and if he had heard what I had said he would have gotten angry too. I don't know why on earth Tiffany had chosen to decorate the wedding hall with torches and scythes and pitchforks, but it didn't take the guests long to just go crazy with looting.

So I split, naturally.

I was running and the crowd kept getting closer and I was pissed because it was like "Oh man, I really hate running" but at the same time I was all "Oh crap I don't know what this crowd is going to do to me."

I realized that it was getting dark and they wouldn't be able to see me if it wasn't for that wedding dress, which was surprisingly easy to run in.

I ran off the road and into a little park, tearing the gown off me. The crowd ran by, not seeing me, and then a little while later ran back so they could get back to the reception.

So then I lived in the woods for 5 years and became sort of one of those wild people that you hear about every now and then who get dragged out of the woods and don't know how to talk or use cell phones or anything.

But me, I just walked out and here I am now. I had completely forgotten all about that incident until this story was brought up in the news. Those were heady, heady times.