Today is the day to give up on it.

Hey Chicagoans: Don't forget that Funny Ha Ha Ho Ho Ho is tomorrow!

What's up with hair extensions? This is something I want to know. When I was growing up, people wore fake nails, fake eye color, even faked having piercings. But nobody had fake hair. OK, that's not true: I knew plenty of African American women who had fake hair but the trend of white women wearing extensions had not yet come into being.

I'm not sure when it became en vogue for women to have great swaths of acrylic hair sewn onto their scalps. I can understand if, say, you're on America's Next Top Model and Tyra wants to give you long, luscious hair and you simply didn't have the time to grow it out. But for other celebrities, I don't understand the appeal of sporting a cute bob one day and then obviously fake long Barbie hair literally the next day.

Plus, extensions tend to look crappy. Want proof? Look at Britney Spears (oh, speaking of which, I'd like some credit for writing this dirty limerick some years ago that proved to be prophetic. Mom and Dad, don't read it.) Her hair looks worse than when I used to look at my Barbie doll's scalp.

Which leads me to my point. I have long hair right now. You can see it for yourself on the t-shirt page. I grew this hair all by myself, with no professional help. If you take a chunk of it and pull it, you will find a bloody piece of scalp attached to it. It's the real thing. So what I want to know is, why aren't I famous yet? Celebrities aren't talented or smart enough to grow their own hair, yet I am. I'm clearly a virtuoso.

I await my contract.