Today is the day to stuff your big fat face, you fat freak.

Mrs. Zulkey.com, my advice columnist, is my Mom, who really enjoys trying to help solve your problems, whatever they may be, for some reason. Email her directly here.

Fabulousity: How to Get It

By looking under stones in the forest with a special fabulousity-sniffing pig

By wishing very very hard

By having sex with famous people

By recovering Princess Zelda from Ganon's clutches

At some ethnic and specialty grocery stores

By buying me this one thing, just this time, and I swear I'll never ask you again, please please please I love you

By wearing my new designer perfume, which is available for $12.99 at select J.C. Penney Stores

By not washing your hands

It's only available in Europe, at some store, I can't remember the name, don't even bother looking for it.