Today is the day to be critical yet fair.

Man, when I put out the call for catchphrases that need to be retired, people spoke up. Let me know if you have any to add and I'll run them tomorrow. It will be like a Disco Demolition of sayings, hopefully with a better outcome.

I am very excited because a good friend has asked me to be in her wedding. The last time I was in someone's wedding, I looked something like this.

I'm thrilled, because I love weddings and I love my friends, two controversial stances I will not back down from, no matter what the terrorists do.

However, as a blogger, I'm not sure how much I can really do to aid her in her matrimonial endeavors. In my years behind the computer, my social skills have atrophied some, so I think my skills have shifted to reflect some slightly different from what your average bridesmaid can do. For instance:

Helping address invitations: Evite

Organizing bachelorette party: looking up drink recipes online and writing a hilarious but brief list of the differences between men and women. And looking up man porn pictures.

Helping pick out flowers: looking up "flowers" on Wikipedia, because my many years spent indoors have limited my interaction with nature and also evolved away my sense of smell.

Wiping her running mascara as she prettily cries before the big moment: sending her an e-card wishing her luck.

Writing a loving speech to be delivered at the reception: rounding up my favorite quotes from "Best Week Ever" on Vh1 and the best quips from the Gawker comments section that are semi-related to matrimony and/or her favorite celebrities.

Taking pictures: sending over drawings made in Microsoft Paint of what I think I remember the couple looks like.

This is my gift to you, you guys. I will also start a wedding blog for you if you like. No really, it's no problem. Nothing but the best to celebrate your eternal love.