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Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com Is Going to Call it the Way She Sees It

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com,

When is it time for adult children not to call you "Mrs. Zulkey" or "Auntie Mrs. Zulkey". It seems awkward for our children to address you as "Mrs. Zulkey" now that our childrens' years are 30+. What would you advise your children to call their parents' friends?

I've been sitting on this excellent question for quite awhile, not because I'm ambivalent about my answer, but because I'm fearful that several young handsome and beautiful, talented and intelligent, friendly and dear people might think my response is pointed at them. It is not.

I have always advised my children to continue to call the older generation Mr. or Mrs. until invited to do otherwise. There are older adults who will insist you address them by their first names, but you cannot assume that it's your call to make. It's preferable to err on the side of formality. This may sound old fashioned, but it's simply the traditional way of handling the issue. The gap between our ages may seem to shrink as you age, but that's not really the question. Rather, continuing the surname usage seems to me a display of sentimental affection for the length or gentleness of our connection. If you were to run into your second grade teacher, would you call her Candy? No, I think she would always be Mrs. Brewster to you, the courtesy title indicating a fondness for and deference to your prior relationship.

I realized what a generational thing this is when I visited my opththalmologist, a woman close to my own age, who addressed me as Mrs. while her quite young receptionist called me by my first name. And though it's happened numerous times, I'm still disconcerted when a high school sales clerk looks at my credit card and calls me by my first name while I, a woman of a certain age, as they say, continue to address the parents of my friends as Mr. or Mrs. I would feel awkward indeed to call them by their first names, even if I knew what they were.

I'm glad the question was asked, as you are probably sorry it was, but I am willing to make one concession. If I'm sharing a cocktail on the patio some summer evening with a member of the younger set, I wouldn't take umbrage to your calling me Mrs. Z., which lends a friendly wink towards the informal formality of the situation.

With great fondness I remain,

Mrs. Zulkey

Mrs. Zulkey.com does not only answer questions about fussy etiquette rules but if you want to ask her more about that too, go ahead. Send her an email.