Today is the day to give someone a meaningless prize.

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com Helps You Out In More Ways Than One

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com,

I'm so happy that you're taking an interest in Claire's
extracurriculurs. If anyone is to guide us Internet-addicted
twentysomethings through this crazy, mixed-up world, it should certainly be you. (Also, I am gunning to get invited to a family picnic, as your cooking is out of this world. Yes, I am descended from Eddie Haskell.)

Anyway, I have been trying to think of something to ask you, and I was going to ask how I should politely respond to people who want to know why I'm not knocked up (as apparently, human beings married just shy of three years could not possibly want to simply enjoy each other's
company any longer without children...), but then I saw something at the bottom of your recent column that perplexes me even more:

How *do* you fold a fitted sheet? We just stuff them into a closet, and well, it's pretty sloppy. Help me Mrs. Zulkey.com!

Dear Fellow Homemaker,

Ah, yes, the fitted sheet problem. I suspect there are some individuals out there who are thinking that worrying about how to fold a fitted sheet is somewhat over the top. And, they may not be wrong. However, you and I have been around long enough to know that everyone has his/her own household bete noire. You, for example, don't care for messy linens. And I, on the other hand, won't have paper napkins on the dinner table, nor do I believe there is any such thing as a "no-iron" garment. It doesn't mean we don't tolerate these things in other homes. They are just our own little bugaboos, and as long as we're not stepping on anyone else's toes, well, what's the harm?

You can Google the compulsively "correct" way to fold the fitted sheet. But if you're only seeking basic tidiness, not perfection, I have an answer for you. First, fold your flat sheet four times and pat it smooth on a table. Then, fold your pillowcases three times, pat them smooth and place them on the left half of the folded flat sheet. Finally, fold your fitted sheet four times as best you can, pat it down and place it on top of the pillowcases, on the left half of the folded flat sheet. Here's where everything comes together. Fold the right hand side of the folded flat sheet over the whole shebang and tamp it down, smoothing it all out. See what a nice package you have? The trick is to put it in the linen closet with the fold toward you. Not perfect, but no longer messy.

There are two other solutions. One would be not to buy fitted sheets at all, but learn how to fit flat sheets on the mattress, the way my father said they had to do it in the Army. The other is to send them all out to the laundry and let them figure it out.

Now, on to the problem of nosy questions. Whether they are coming from close family members (who seem to think that the asking of them will make it happn, as if you hadn't thought of it) or from friends/co-workers, the response should be the same. First, a pause, accompanied by a look of surprise from you, indicating that you're somewhat taken aback at this invasion of your privacy. Then a little smile. Finally, a response. You thank them for being so sweet as to take an interest and let them know that when you have something to announce, they will be among the first to know.

Once you have that baby, my dear, I can assure you, you won't be worrying about how to fold a fitted sheet.