May 23 2005

Today is the day to yell at some kid.

I told you all last week about the new advice column I'd be bringing out, and she debuts today. I was struggling to find a good name for it. Fortunately, the first letter-writer came up with a great title for a column where my mom dispenses a litlte bit of tough love.

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com

Dear Mrs. Zulkey.com,
I have a set of wedding etiquette questions for you.

My new boyfr...(we've only been dating two months and I have yet to call him my full "boyfriend" out loud or in writing) invited me to attend his younger sister's wedding this summer out of town as his guest. He bought my plane ticket and we'll be renting a car and sharing a hotel room (but don't worry, Mrs. Zulkey.com, we'll be sleeping in separate beds, as we are unmarried). I'm not quite sure if I need to offer to cover any of these expenses? What do I do about a wedding gift? Should I buy the couple a gift off the registry myself? Or give my boyfr money to buy something from the both of us?

Also, my boyfr told me that his sister (the bride) wanted him to invite me to get my nails done with her and her bridal party on the day before the wedding. Do I take her up on her offer? Or is she just being nice? I haven't met any of his family members, so I don't want to be in anyone's hair that weekend. But at the same time, I don't want to turn down his sister's offer and appear rude. Help!

Sincerely,
Wedding Worries McGee

Dear W. W. M.,

Let me get this straight: You've only been dating your wedding companion for two months, you don't even refer to him as your boyfriend and you've never met any of his family members. And you're asking me if you should tag along with the bridal party to have your nails done? She's a very kind bride to extend the invitation, but I hardly think you're up there with her childhood best friend and her college roommates, do you? Flash forward to your own wedding. Would you like a stranger, albeit a very charming one like yourself, horning in on your hen party? Write her a note, thanking her for her thoughtfulness and acknowledge that you know that her precious pre-wedding moments will be happily spent re-uniting with her closest friends and dearest relatives. And besides, won't you be pleasantly occupied, exploring the charms of your companion's home town?

Now sweetheart, you're new here, so I'll go easy on you this time, but did you really need to tell me about your sharing a room? Nevertheless, I'm thinking that one way to ensure that those beds are separate is for you to pay for your half of the hotel bill. Also, do NOT eat the macadamia nuts in the minibar. As far as a gift is concerned, I have every confidence that her doting, older brother is looking forward to presenting the newlyweds with some generous token of his fondness for her, something that will remind her in the years to come of her big brother. What might be nice, if you're feeling obliged, would be a note from you after the wedding telling her how lovely the whole thing was, how thrilled you were to meet them all, how thoughtful it was for the brother to bring you along, blah, blah, blah. If you'd like to attach it to a nice little picture frame holding a candid photo you've taken during the proceedings, so much the better.

Now that wasn't so bad, was it?

If you want ask my mom a question on basically anything other than sex positions or the best vein to hit when you're shooting up heroin, drop her a line. I will remove indentifying names from your question so that she doesn't come and slap you.