Today is the day to wait for my sign.

I am a very smart person. Prove it, you might say. All right, Iíll say. Iím going to reference a New York Times article, the second that I have this week. See? I read the New York Times and I have commentary on it.

Anyway, the above article is about how male authors, from Norman Mailer to Dave Eggers, often find themselves the focus of female adoration. Literary groupies. And it goes on to say that itís hard for female authors to get male groupies, unless the ìwoman is very attractive or she writes a lot about sex. In the first category are, from the 70's, Jayne Anne Phillips; from the 80's, Susan Minot; from the 90's, Donna Tartt; and, most recently, Jhumpa Lahiri, Zadie Smith and Nell Freudenberger. The more sexed-up category includes writers from Erica Jong to Amy Sohn.î

The piece goes on to question whether female authors can garner groupies based on literary merit alone, though, and not just looks, and gives a few tips on how to get more boys to fall in love with you as an author. As a much-beloved author, I can provide some additional pointers.

* Set up a kissing booth at readings
* Mention frequently in author bios that youíre ìloose.î
* Always mention how your latest doctorís visit, which was recent, was good and ënormal.í
* Hold your readings at bars, especially dark ones if youíre not that cute.
* Donít just have an author photo; have an author ëvideoí circulating the internet.
* Have big boobies.

These are great ways to be admired by male readers, and even just basically males who donít even have to read your stupid book, so quit trying so hard to ëwriteí something and just be cute! Nobody wants to read a book by you anyway unless itís about how to get a date, or your experiences working for a bitchy famous celebrity, having sex and falling down (not necessarily in that order.)