July 15,
2004
Today is the day to eat whipped cream from the can.
If you're anything like me, you're seriously enjoying the tremendous decline Britney Spears has been experiencing over the last year. In the previous several months alone, she's experienced a marathon marriage and annulment, a knee blowout, a cancelled concert tour, an engagement to a guy who is such a winner that he lives on a stipend from Brit-Brit (who had to buy her own ring), plus she's appeared in public with visible acne. My favorite part is that the crazy-in-love couple has opted for no prenuptial agreement, which can mean only one thing: Kevin Federline (aka soon to be Mr. Spears, who left his 7-months pregnant girlfriend for the 'popstress') filing for a divorce five minutes after the vows are taken, becoming an instant millionaire. Anyway, here's my astrological chart of Britney's rest of year.
August: Accidentally enrages Hebrew community while promoting the Kabbalah, saying "It's way better than stupid, old-ass Judaism."
September: Is sued by Madonna for assault for placing a messy, unwanted tongue kiss on her during an after-awards-show interview, in the hopes of getting more air time (Kurt Loder shakes his head sadly.)
October: Grows a mustache and stars in "Smokey and the Bandit, Part IV." Reviews worse than "Crossroads."
November: Shows up in public with undyed roots, but, you know, the kind that aren't like that on purpose.
December: Is accused of kidnapping her former fiancee's former girlfriend's baby and devouring it in a seriously misplaced effort to acquire eternal youth.