April 28, 2004

Today is the day to learn more about boating and fishing.

***ORDER MY BOOK!-NOW AVAILABLE ON POWELLS!***

Finally, Midnight Mind Magazine Number Six is available, including an essay by me called "In Praise of the Hangover." In case you are reading this and you are related to me, it is all fiction, and, well. It's a good essay, shut up. The issue is so pretty that I'm considering giving away one of my extra copies to a lucky reader, although I'll have to come up with a contest or something to determine who deserves my hard-earned postage. In the meantime, though, please buy an issue or stop by your bookstore to pick it up.

Dear Zulk Zulks it Up

What do you think is the most important item of sex advice that you could pass on to your readers?

If you live in, say, eighteenth century England or France or something and you're involved in a torrid, forbidden affair, it's wise not to have sex, even if it's going to be really hot and romantic and likely to be represented in a movie several hundred years later, don't. You will probably be punished in some way or die of something gross.

Dear Zulk,

I have a dilemma. I will be in Hong Kong for three months. The good news is I will still be able to read Zulkey.com (apparently, the Chinese government has yet to shut down your subversive website), but it is not
enough. I will miss the final shows this season for Gilmore Girls, Smallville and the OC. Since I am gone for the entire month of May, that adds up to more than six hours so setting my VCR just won't work. Now
you're probably thinking, "is this a 13 year old girl being forced by her parents to experience the world instead of wasting away in front of a television?" No, I am a 31 year old male traveling for work. Can you give me some advice? -- mostly about how I can get my shows taped, but if you want to throw in something about getting a life, that would be helpful too

I am the last person who would judge you, as I myself have an "American Idol" tape waiting for me. I will even reveal that somebody very close to me not only tapes shows but re-watches them after they've already been viewed.

Anyway, you should do what my parents do when they go out of town and want the newspapers taken in ; hire some sucker desperate for cash to do it for you. If you have an unemployed friend, bring over a handful of blank tapes and give him $25 to do it for you. You'll have to expect that you might miss a show or two just because life isn't perfect, but if you want to diminish those odds, maybe spread it out; have one friend who will tape the WB shows, one that will tape the FOX shows. And it goes without saying that you should ask people who watch these shows anyway.

And if your friends are really nice, they'll send you the tapes to watch in Hong Kong.

You got a question about anything? Ask me. Go ahead. Do it! Do it!