April
7,
2004
Today is the day to emulate Rollie Fingers.
Dear Zulk Helps You In Matters of Love and Lust
Dear Zulk,
Why do people often fall in love with people who don't love them? What I mean
is, why is indifference attractive? And why can sleepiness sometimes
substitute for indifference? And why am I so tired?
You are clearly asking several, perhaps 9 different questions. Let me
break it down for you.
We fall in love with people who don't love us back because crushes are fun. They're a good way to pass the time. I currently have a crush on a long-dead movie star. But then again, I have gobs of free time, as I sit here in my pink, plush Zulkey.com office chair, kicking my feet around. I bet if I were rescuing orphans from a burning hospital (i.e. what I call "Thursday,"), I'd have less time to dwell on it.
I cannot tell from your email whether you are a boy or a girl. If you are a girl, we fall in love with people who don't love us because we like to think that we can change the aloof subject and crack their tough veneer, get to the man/woman 'beneath.' Then you realize eventually that there is nothing beneath.
If you're a boy, then you like things you can't have because of the same reason you like expensive cars. If you don't have it, and you can't have it, it must be awesome.
Sleepiness does not sometimes substitute indifference, unless we're talking about me, because I apparently was irresistible in college. I would be sleeping peacefully on a Friday night and my roommate, perhaps returning from a night at the local tavern (but perhaps not), would return with a couple of guys from our floor, who delighted in jumping on me. I must look really hot with my eyes clothed.
You need to stop staying up so late. You can always tape Conan or Letterman or whatever it is. You will feel much better if you get at least 7 hours a night.
Dear Zulk,
A girl in my writing class blatantly touches my back and tells me what a good writer I am and that she hopes she can be as good as me. Then five sentences later she mentions her boyfriend. Why are women so mysterious?
This woman sounds like a bitch. I bet you are a good-looking, upstanding young man and she is clearly toying with you.
Try this on for size, though, buster. While you're lusting after this trollop, take a look around. See that mousy girl with the glasses, sitting quietly at the other end of the room? She loves you you know, but you just want but you can't have. Maybe if you stopped thinking with your, ah, whatever you call that there, and looked to the woman within who has too much class to go rubbing the backs of every Tom, Dick and Harry, maybe then you'd find true happiness. And by the way, she looks amazing without those glasses. Especially if she's sleeping.
Got more questions? Of course you do. Got a question about God or religion? Direct it this way.