So, uh, nice to meet you...Gertude, was it?

Please welcome the first installment of Dear Zulk. I would like to indicate that this advice column is not endorsed in any way by Dr. Hot Pants, who has officially hung up her stethoscope.

Dear Zulk

Dear Zulk,

Out of all the ten fingers on your hands, which is your favorite, and why?

I bet you think I'm going to be one of those people who is going to be all technical and say "I only have eight fingers!" I hate those people. Those are the same people who say "I don't know, can you?" and "I didn't get a hair cut, I got them all cut!" These people are awful.

At any rate, I do not have one.

Dear Zulk,

How does it feel to be the first person interviewed by the readers of Zulkey.com?

Technically, I am not. Oh wait! Yes I am. It's wonderful! Thank you so much.

Dear Zulk,

You know how most people who can't cook anything can at least cook eggs? Well, I can't even cook eggs.

The other day, I placed a few pieces of wheat bread into the toaster oven and dropped a couple Grade A's into a pot of boiling water, thinking that I'd make myself a nice egg salad sandwich, and somehow I screwed the whole thing up. Half the eggs cracked and leaked their white mucus into the water, and the other half weren't cooked all the way through, so when I cut them, they bled thick yellow blood into the bowl.

What am I doing wrong? This can't be that hard!

p.s. I burnt the toast.

I feel your pain. Eggs can be complicated if you don't know the secret code and cruel people like my mother are prone to make fun of you for this stuff. Hardboiled eggs should sit in boiling water for about 15 minutes, but do yourself a favor and get an egg timer, a neat little device you can probably buy at like Bed, Bath and Beyond. You drop it in with your eggs and it shows you when the eggs are soft, medium or hard-boiled. Plus, you should let your eggs sit at room temperature for a little bit before you drop them into the boiling water so the change in temperature doesn't make them crack in the water. I hate when that happens.

Hopefully, you know how to fix the toast situation.

PS Make sure to use mayo, not Miracle Whip, for the egg salad.

PPS Give me some of that salad.

Dear Zulk,

This is an ethics question, but Mr. "Randy" Cohen at the NYTimes wouldn't touch this, and I thought you'd be tough enough. See, I'm going camping with some friends, and I'm in charge of bringing the Smores. I can't find marshmallows, though, only Peeps. Would it be appropriate to toast Peeps instead of marshmallows? And would your answer change if you knew these friends of mine include vegetarians?

I do not think that vegetarians should ever, ever get special treatment.

At any rate, definitely bring the Peeps! Odds are that they will burn funny and possibly be extremely flammable due to their dye, but it will be a hilarious bonding experience with you and your campmates. And you'll still have chocolate and graham crackers left over and if your friends, vegetarians or not, are unhappy with that situation, then what kind of campers are they? Not very good ones.

Dear Zulk-

People think I am a lot younger that I really am. Probably sometimes it's due to my immature behavior, but I think it is mostly due to me not looking my age. I am by no means "hot" - but I do get a rush when people believe I am 8-10 years younger than what my driver's license says.

Dilemna: I have a crush on a hottie, 10 years my junior. Doubtful it will progress to anything - but if it does - when or if do I come clean about how close I am to obtaining my AARP membership?

That depends on how serious your crush is. If it's more fun than serious, I think that you should tell this young fella that you're actually 10 years older than you actually are, because he'll obviously think "Hot! Older chick!" and "Wow, she looks great for her age!" Then later on you can reveal your real age and everyone will have a good laugh.

But if you're serious about him, just tell him you're 5 years older than you really are and proceed as scheduled. It can't fail!

Got a question for Dear Zulk? I set up an email address just for you!