March
1, 2004
Rabbit rabbit.
Your girl was out spreading the Zulkey.com word on the slopes and in the hot tubs of Utah this past weekend, falling down once in a cafeteria and once near a swimiming pool, but not at all while skiing.
Anyway, I returned at around 10:30 this evening, and realized something: I was missing the Oscars. Could this be possible? Could I be missing the biggest night on television of the year, follow up wise? How would I cope with everyone gossiping about all I missed?
We'll see. It's 10:50 p.m. CST as I write this. I did enter an Oscar pool before I left, but before I check out my scores tomorrow morning, I'd like to make my predictions about the goings on of the evening that I missed, and see if I can guess what happened.
The I-Didn't-Watch-the-Oscars, Best and Worst of the Oscars Guess-a-Thon
Best dress: James Brolin, for his peacock-feathered tuxedo.
Worst accessories: Kristin Scott Thomas, for the necklace made of human teeth.
Best speech: Thandie Newton, for uttering, "See you in hell!" as she left the podium.
Worst speech: Pierce Brosnan, for "Shame on you, Vicente Fox."
Best reminiscing moment: Reflections back on the joy "Ernest Goes to Camp" brought to the country during a time of need.
Worst reminiscing moment: The Jack Nicholson memorial, only to be interrupted twice, once by Jack Nicholson protesting that he never actually died, then by actually dying.
Best "What the f?" moment: Steve Bartman interferring with Moises Alou's nomination, therefore costing him the "Best Supporting Actor" category.
Worst "What the f?" moment: Jean-Bertrand Aristide streaking.
Best upset: Jesus accepting the award for Best Actor for "The Passion of the Christ," which wasn't even put out in time for this year's Oscars.
Worst upset: The Academy deciding that these awards are pretty much a load of self-congratulatory crap, therefore cutting the ceremony to only 15 minutes.