February
18, 2004
Today is the day to watch "Showgirls."
Still got that post-Valentine's Day hangover? Let Kim make it all better.
Guest Ranker: Kim Bosch
"Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
1) Make up a fake life-experience in your head with a celebrity:
i.e. Let's say...walking home carrying groceries you feel a tap on your shoulder.
An "Excuse me miss..." and you turn and take off your earphones.
It's Dave Matthews (circa Rolling Stone, Jan. 2003) and you smile (the good
non-teeth
smile) and he says, "you are beautiful in all this snow."
He takes some of the bags and you make a frozen pizza (thin crust) and stay
in bed all night and watch episodes of the Simpsons and Family Guy. You repeat
some of the jokes after and laugh. He writes a song about the whole experience.
You buy him a really cool guitar for christmas.
He promises never to marry you for fear of "Stealing YOU away from YOU..."
Problem: If you play a scenario such as this out in your head you are sure
to shame yourself with stupid grins in the general direction of men (NOT Dave
Matthews) sitting across from you on the bus.
2) Using your right hand, wrap your arm around the back of your head and stroke
your left cheek THUS confusing your face into thinking it's someone else's
caress.
Problem: Very pathetic and uncomfortable. PLUS, your face catches on pretty
fast. [Editor's note: Unless you make your hand fall asleep first.]
3) Buy a body pillow and throw your leg over it while you sleep.
Problem: When you DO finally share a bed with someone you will be confused
when the "pillow" complains in the middle of the night about how
warm and heavy your leg is.
4) Sit boldly next to the hottie on the bus. Remove large black sunglasses
you wear all the time regardless of weather. Edge slightly and hum the tune
to "You Make Lovin' Fun" by Fleetwood Mac (hoping for a flirt/smile).
Problem: The woman sitting near him takes notice (girlfriend stare ensues)
and they both get off at the next stop looking back at you through the window.
Sunglasses are placed over eyes once more.
5) Quit bitching and buy a vibrator.
Problem: None.