February
5 , 2004
Today is the day to figure out what a highball really is.
Just when I thought I had become totally jaded in the coffee-drinking department, along came this.
So Saturday-Tuesday morning, I experienced an unsightly error on the behalf of Register.com, with whom I am not currently on good terms since they refused to take any responsibility for their own major screwup. But anyway, point is that I am back now. While my site was down, I was currently being told that Register.com does not have tech support via telephone. Some of my readers were busy, too:
What I Did On My Zulkey.com Vacation
While Zulkey.com was down:
I was lying on the floor with my head on a pillow, wearing a long, black slip
with bicycle shorts underneath, next to a guy named Brian from Indiana. We
were rehearsing a bedroom scene with the following neutral dialogue:
Him: Well...
Me: Well, what-
Him: Nothing-
Me: Okay...Please-
Him: Excuse me-
Me: Yeah...
Him: So...
Me: So...
Him: So...
Me: Come on-
Him: What-
Me: Quit it-
Him: Quit what-
Me: That.
Him: Better?
Me: Yeah.
Then I smoked a cigarette, wondering all the while where my Zulkey had gone
DAY 1: Wandered around in a sort of detached haze.
Could not believe Zulkey.com was really gone; asked
random strangers if it was true, if they saw what I
saw. Requests to police officers to pinch me resulted
in problems.
DAY 2: Wept inconsolably. Paused occasionally to
drink vodka straight from the bottle, take naps.
DAY 3: Wept inconsolably. Ran out of vodka; drank
maraschino cherry juice. More naps.
DAY 4: Me and some of the other counselors snuck into
town to smoke weed and pick up girls. Still couldn't
forget about how Zulkey.com was gone.
DAY 5: Wept inconsolably. Found bottle of DeKuyper's
Tropical Schnapps under sink in basement, or maybe it
was varnish. Too drunk to nap.
I drank loads of cheap gin, listened to "Appetite for Destruction"
6 times and caught a mean head cold.
My Zulkey.com vacation was spent lamenting your absence, cursing your name, and trolling the archives of The Black Table. I also cursed your name in public, but have since amended my curse.
During my Zulkey.com vacation I came horribly close to realizing the true
spirit of my q-tip addiction. If I can clean my ears, eyes, nose, back molars,
cuticles, behind my knee caps, and between my toes while reading Zulkey.com,
it doesn't seem so out of place. I found myself during the last few days of
"the blackout," as I like to call it, building q-tip houses while
AOL told me all about who's hot and who's not, singing "You are My Sunshine."
I t was a sad, sad sight. Happily, with the return of Zulkey, I am once again
able to enjoy my q-tips without singing "You are My Sunshine." Really,
that was the worst part about it all.