Today is the day to stick it to the man, with a shiv.
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I did miss you guys. What did you do when you weren't reading Zulkey.com? I can tell you, I was drinking whiskey and watching "American Idol" (I like the pencil salesman guy in the short sleeved dress shirt.) Email meand tell me what you did on your Zulkey.com vacation, we'll run it all.Guest Listmaker: Michael Ray
"Ridiculous Dances That People Do When Alone"
The "I just got a new job - hit the lottery - in general something good happened to me -dance" : It starts with a fist pump, and devolves from there. You pump your fist in the air, spinning in a circle; sometimes can occur with both fists, which begins to look like the Twist...
The foolish dancing to music only you can hear dance, which, if you're white and uncoordinated, can only be the twist. If you have a big belly, keep your elbows up real high. It will make you jiggle and look like the kind of joyous fat man that you see on TV.
If you're not fat, or if you're a girl, or even if you are both or neither, and the music is turned up loud, so loud that it pushes all the noise and static and self consciousness somewhere in the deep dark back of your head, then you can dance however you like. You might be naked, or wearing underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Or maybe not, because you can't hear anything anyway, and your eyes will be closed most of the time. Just make sure the music is loud.
Sometimes, in moments of quiet triumph, like when you lose your virginity, or manage to say something intelligent in a meeting without stuttering or blushing, and you are alone for just a second, you dance real fast with mostly your feet, a Milli Vanilli meets Martin Short Dance meets Lord of the Dance Dance. It is the Lord of the Universe Dance. If you are calmer, more reserved, this might just be a gesture: both hands held high in the air, and in your head a voiceover by the guy on Miller Beer commercials, "Touchdown."
Sad mime Ennui dance. A tango, or maybe a waltz, but without a partner. Only perform if you are French, or a mime, or both. Otherwise, the sheer weight of your self-consciousness will crush you dead. If you see yourself doing this in the mirror, you could be turned to stone instead.