December 3, 2003

Today is the day to post a personal ad looking for yourself.

PREORDER MY BOOK!

Rank: The Hilton Sisters

1. Paris. Talk about love to hate. How can a talentless, flat-voiced, flat-chested rich girl get the attention of so many people by doing absolutely nothing new or interesting? Don't you sometimes want to slap the tan off her, pull out her extensions and forceably make her open her eyes all the way? Who the hell does she think she is? Really, who the hell is she? And her parents should be locked up for not only not punishing their disaster of a daughter, but for being proud of her and supporting her, through the nipple flashing on "Celebrities Uncensored" and that little videotape incident. Oh, and how come, according to a Rolling Stone article, she takes such long bathroom breaks when she's out 'partying'? Come on, Rick and Kathy, at least try not to act like morons.
   This is what you think.
   On the other hand, let's face it, you kind of love Paris Hilton. Admit it. Come on. She's so weird looking, with that squiggly, spaniel-y walk and her shoes that look like they weigh more than her head, that you can't look away. She's utterly manufactured herself for you, with the same patented face she pulls for every photo opportunity, that you have to shake your head and laugh and wonder what other celebrities, who actually get paychecks, think of her. It's wonderfully, horribly American and Andy Warhol, to have it all and still want more. What does she want? To be an actress? A household brand? It's a little secretly comforting that even the attractive and obscenely rich still want to be famous one day.
   You know that if she danced with you in a club or insulted you, you'd excitedly talk about it for days, and even if you're sure that you really hate her, you'd still miss her a little if she disappeared. It's fairly evident that her personal life isn't much deeper than her public life, and thus she's the perfect fodder for mindless gossip, since she basically embodies mindless gossip. Die, Paris! Hooray for Paris!

2. Nicki. Oh, who cares about her?