October 16, 2003

Today is the day to talk about the weather in a place you'll never go.

My month guest editing Opium Magazine is more than half over. Bah.

Okay, so the Cubs blew it last night. And as you know, many a fan is tempted to blame the loss on that poor guy sitting in the left field stands who tried to catch a foul ball.

And yes, while of course he is mostly responsible for the Cubs failing to make it to the World Series, there were plenty of other players in the chain of events who contributed. I.e...

• Five year old Jessica Henderson from Hoffman Estates, who screamed "Go Sammy!," therefore distracting Sammy from hitting a key home run.
• Sun-Maid®, for creating the raisins that everybody knows Kerry Wood loves so dearly, for mildly upsetting his stomach last night and thus forcing him not to pitch at his best.
• The beer vendors, for making Dusty Baker think about the simplicity of being a fan, consider giving it all up, and not managing as well as he could have.
• Wrigley Field and Major League Baseball, for enforcing an alcohol cutoff rule. Had fans been able to imbibe throughout the entire game, perhaps they would have been able to cheer on their beloved Cubbies more effectively.
• Ponce de Leon, and anybody else involved with the creation of the state of Florida, without which the Cubs would have nobody to play and would already be in the World Series.
• God. Because it's all his fault. And also, He effectively proved his nonexistence by not letting the "lovable losers" win.