August 28, 2003

Today is the day to start a rumor about yourself.

Read my story of hubris on the lovely Meomore. You'll need Adobe. The art is wonderful.

Here's what happens when websites collide.

I know you're thinking, "What, isn't today Thursday?" You're totally right, friend. You'll note that I am not conducting the below interview. Zulkey.com accepts guest rankers, guest listmakers, and yes, guest interviewers, and today I have one superstar interviewing another.

Guest Interviewer: AJ Daulerio
The Bob Sassone Interview

Bob, Bob, you've finally finished. "Book, With Words and Pages" is complete and has presumably been shipped to Sassone fans anxiously awaiting its arrival for almost 3 years. Now, what in the Christ took so long?
3 years? That's a lie! For the record, it's been 2 1/2. I would say that 79% of the problem was financial, 5% was because I wasn't sure what form the book would take (traditional, perfect bound, POD, printed and folded by hand, or the box I finally decided on), and 20% was because I actually do other things in my life besides write.

And if you'll notice, the math above doesn't make any sense whatsoever, which tells you why my publishing schedule was all screwed up.

So, let me get this straight: Most of these stories, it appears, were ones already finished and published. So, again, what in the Christ took so long?
Many of them have been published before, but several are brand-spanking new. I had a hard time deciding exactly which ones to include, which to leave out. And the book was originally going to have several short stories, but at the last second I decided to hold off on that, even though I had spent several months working on the short stories. For everything
else, see your first question.

You did a story for Salon (and it appears in the book. Surprise!) about getting circumsized at like age 34 or something. What was the first thing you did with your new, uncovered penis that made you smile?(And don't be fresh. This is a family site.)
Wait a second. You want me to tell you something that I did with my new penis, something that made me smile, but you don't want it to be 'fresh' because it's a family site? You do know what a penis is used for, right?

One of my favorite Bob Sassone stories was your earnest, heartfelt essay about the TV show "Ed." Why do you think you connected with that show on such a personal level?
Oh no, now you're asking me to be serious. OK, there's a line that Ed uses when people call him "the bowling alley lawyer" that I think is the perfect attitude for a writer to have. He says, "I'm a lawyer and I own a bowling alley. Two separate things." That was a revelation for me. I think writers spend so much time trying to find work - ANY writing work,
even if it's $25 for 1000 words or resume writing or whatever - instead of realizing that writing doesn't have to be the only thing you do in your life. You don't lose integrity or writer points by having to do something else to pay the bills, and in the case of Ed, it just shows you that life is life, and why not do more than one thing with it?

Beyond that, of course, it's the usual things: the cast is excellent, the writing is smart, and the music they use is spot-on and right. There's a scene at the end of the second episode, where Ed is sitting with Molly near the lanes of the empty bowling alley, and they are talking about life, and in the background "Baby, Now That I've Found You" by Allison Kraus is playing in the background. Just perfect.

Who was the love of your life?
Amy Reardon if you're reading this, call me. (Or if Sandy Duncan and/or Lindsey Wagner, the Bionic Woman is reading this, you can call me too).

Now, Professor Barnhardt's Journal seems to be getting some major press. How the hell are you promoting this thing?
I'm not really doing anything major, like sending out press releases or taking out ads or anything like that. Mostly it's word of mouth. We were named a "Hip Click" by USA Today the other day, and the way they found out about it was an e-mail from one of my regular readers. Yahoo named us a pick of the day too, and I don't know how they found it, since it was right after we made our debut. The web works in
mysterious ways. Much like Metamucil.

If you could write the perfect sentence that encapsulates the legend of Bob Sassone for the movie trailer about your life what would it be?
(Deep voice) "In a world...where there's no one you can count on... In a world...of deception and dishonesty ...there's one man you CAN count on. One man with the power. One man who may be our only hope. One man who uses has the words and knows how to use them. George Clooney IS Bob Sassone in... "Man With A Typewriter."

Now, you sleep on some dude's couch. You're almost 40. How much do you struggle with walking away from everything and finally getting a "real" job?
Well, you say 'sleep on some dude's couch' like he's some priest who found me on the street and let's me live with him in return for 'special favors.' Actually, I sleep on the couch because my bedroom isn't big enough to fit a bed. At least not with my desk and bureau in there."

As for the "real" job, I've had many: waiter, prep cook, bartender, ad rep, telemarketer, one lousy winter being a parking lot attendant/snow shovel guy. Support your writing until it supports you, I always say.

If you met the love of your life, the woman you want to make little Sassones with, but the one requirement was that you stop writing, would you do it? What if it was Lesley Boone from "Ed"?
The true love of my life would never ask me to give up my writing. Unless it was Jennifer Aniston. Then I would drive a garbage truck and eat glass every day for the rest of my life just to be with her.

As for Lesley Boone, who plays the delightful Molly Hudson, I'm probably not worthy of her.

I remember reading a little on-line interview you did and you said that Martin Short was one of your favorite people you interviewed for a Boston newspaper. I believe you referred to him as "Marty". Do you wince at all when you read that now? I mean,come on Bob, "Marty"?
Well, if I remember correctly, I didn't say 'Marty' like I was some pretentious Hollywood insider. I was asked about interviewing Short and then a couple of weeks later giving a thumbs down to his talk show, and I think I used the phrase 'I bet ol' Marty loved that,' meaning my review of his show. I've only spoken to him that one time. Don't know him well
enough to call him Marty. It's not like he's a good friend, like Bobby DeNiro.

What are your biggest regrets in life--besides not moving to New York City?
Oh, you NYC people, with your fancy dancy tall buildings and martinis and subways and magazines that smell like cologne. What will us in Boston do without them?

As a writer, I probably should have moved to NYC, at least for a while, when I was younger. But I can't imagine just getting up and leaving here as I approach 40. But I'm not in Hicksville, Wyoming, I'm in Boston, a big city and very close to NYC for many many trips. Like this December. Hey Leitch, get that couch ready!

Biggest regret? Probably the 5 years in my late teens and early 20s where I didn't write that much at all. Damn, if I had just applied myself, I could be Jackie Collins right now.

Now, you're a single man still. If Lesley Boone never comes around do you think you'll ever go homo?
I might not be worthy of her, but I'm not counting out
something happening with Lesley.

Did you ever have a male crush?
Do you know Johan More? He's a poet who writes for
The Black Table once in a while. I mean, I'm straight, but this guy isn't just hot, he's like, Richard Grieco hot!

Tell me about your fascination with detective stories. Do you ever pull out a giant magnifying glass, smoke a little pipe, and wear one of those funny little hats when you read them?
True story: when I was about 10 years old, I opened up a detective agency in my bedroom. If I remember correctly, it was the "Sassone Detective Agency." Or maybe "Bob Sassone - Private Eye." I told people I handled all kinds of cases, but nobody ever hired me. Though one night I found a pair gloves that my sister Stephanie had lost. They had fallen behind the table in the hallway. I was really proud of myself.

If you could give Book, With Words and Pages a new
title what would it be?
"Harry Potter - Book 6"

What was the best part about writing BWWAP? Was there one portion of the process that sticks out as your favorite? The worst?
They are both the same. The book is rather radical, in that it not only comes in a box, it IS a box. The cover and back cover and spine are the box, and inside the box (it opens up like a book) is the 8 1/2" x 11" pages of the book.

Doing the cover, which includes writing all the text by hand and putting stick on letters and quotes and logos and other things on it, has been a ton of fun. I think it's a really original idea, and I'm getting a lot of good feedback on it. At the same time, it's incredibly tedious. When someone orders a book from me, I can't just grab a book off of a stack and throw it in an envelope and mail it. I have to make each
box by hand, and each one takes an entire day.

How does it feel to be the 968th person interviewed on Zulkey.com?
I feel...Zestfully clean! And since everyone knows that you're not really clean til you're Zestfully clean, it really is a wonderful feeling.