June 9, 2003

Today is the day to fill your Evian bottle with tap water.

Here is a drawing of an elephant I made this weekend. He is dreaming of Mr. Peanut. Note the detail, including the confidently crossed legs, the cane, the top hat and the monocle.

So, like, last week, I regaled you with a tale (actually, one of probably thousands that you don't know) of my obsession with dumb food, and I asked you for yours. Here are the wonderful recipes. I hope you try some of them. Many thanks to everyone who wrote in!

What They Were Eating

Josh Abraham:
You're doing it all wrong: while chocolate chips microwaved on pancakes is, I'm sure, a yummy treat, the frozen waffle was actually designed for such purposes, as a chocolate chip will fit perfectly in each chocolate-chip-sized recess. You can throw a chip in alternating waffle squares, or in every square if you're in the mood for sugar overload, then toss another waffle on top, microwave, and presto! Chwaffle heaven.

Liz McArdle:
My little brother always liked bologna & cheese and jelly & butter sandwiches and one day he decided he liked them so much that they should all be together. To this
day, I don't know anyone else who eats jelly, butter, bologna and cheese. I
used to eat plain jelly sandwiches and sometime my mom would mix them up--
so gross.

Lisa Scanlon:
When I was a kid, I would bake slices of spicy salami in the toaster oven and then top them with cream cheese. Tragically, I became lactose intolerant during my college years and can no longer enjoy this snack. But maybe the readers of Zulkey.com can.

Jules Sforza:
Mayonnaise Sandwiches:

2 slices D'Italiano white seeded bread, (any soft white bread will do)
1-2 Tbsp. Hellman's mayonnaise

Spread mayonnaise liberally on white bread. Serve with chilled V-8.

Oreo Breakfast:

1/2 bag Oreos
1 cup milk

Crumble Oreos into bowl. Pour milk over. (Especially good when your mother won't buy sugar cereals, but buys cookies. Chips Ahoy work too)

Also, if there is a bottle of Kahlua hanging around, it's good to add in any cereal/milk combination. Helps to deal with having to go to high school.

Judith Spencer:
I used to love Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, the icky dried powder sort from the box. (Cooked, of course. I felt betrayed by the squeeze soft cheese "new and improved" box.

I also loved mashed potato sandwiches...white bread and mayo with cold mashed potatoes liberally salted and squished together. Oh yum.

Also, Velveeta straight from the box.

Not very exotic, you say? I was a kid before fast food was invented...had to make our own unhealthy crap.

David Mogolov:
I was a very picky eater as a kid. I hardly ever ate all of what was given to me because, invariably, there was something on the plate that offended my childish, dumb palate. But the things I did like, I would eat in any combination. Whether on the same plate or in the same bite, I was happy to have bologna (alright, baloney), sandwiches, spaghetti, chips, most anything made of potato, or hamburger. Frozen pizzas were rolled up like burritos before eating. I would eat ketchup or marinara-based pasta sauce, but I wouldn't eat tomatoes. Onions? No. Nothing green (unless the potato chip had a spot, and often I'd leave that behind). Mushrooms were for flinging. I didn't even like most desserts. With the exception of the desserts, I've almost entirely reversed my eating habits: I rarely cook beef, haven't bought bologna in years, and don't cook much in the way of potatoes. But almost everything has an onion or a tomato involved. I use greens from asparagus to snap peas.

The real delight, though, as a kid, was putting any combination of these things between two slices of white bread (which was under no circumstance to be toasted). Boloney, chips, and spaghetti? Check. If I could pour spaghetti across a frozen pizza and roll it up, that would be the best meal of the year. Actually, it still might. Maybe I'll go home and try it

Erin Pyka:
Ingredients
one slice baloney
one american processed cheese slice (wrapper removed)
Place cheese on top of baloney on a paper plate. Put in microwave and cook on high for about a minute. Watch through the window as the baloney starts to crisp and curl up at the edges into a semi-sphere. Ta-da! you have a Baloney Bowl of Melted Cheese.

Claire B.:
My friend Alex and I liked to eat "Big Ass Balls" when we got bored and hungry. I take that back. Rarely were we ever hungry when deciding to make them. It was something we ate when there was nothing better to do than eat, which during high school meant
every single day.

To make a Big Ass Ball you must take a large spoon and dig out as much peanut butter from the jar as you can possibly manage. Leaving the heap on the spoon now begin pushing M&Ms onto it. eep doing that until it looks like a disco ball. Carry the bag of M&Ms to your destination (the couch most likely) and lick the ball, replenishing it with M&Ms as you see fit.

Because Big Ass Balls can take up to an hour to consume, movies make an excellent companion.

John Thompson:
I took a cinnamon-raison bagel then threw it in a toaster oven til it was crisp. Then took it out and graciously spread cream cheese on it, and put an abundant amount of chocolate chip morsels on top. Then I put it back in the oven for another 10-20 seconds and took it out and spread it all together. Looked exactly like Diarrhea on my bagel, but it sure tasted like heaven.

Lindsay Robertson:
Lindsay's Secret Surprise

When I was 12 and my brother Kevin was 10, we suddenly became latchkey kids for the first time. Every afternoon we would bike home from school, where we would attempt to do as many things we weren't allowed to do as possible before we heard the ba-dum sound that meant our mom had just run over the loose piece of driveway with the minivan, at which point we would pretend to have been doing our homework, reading the Bible, and munching carrots all along.

Since our parents were very strict about both TV and junk food, our afternoons were spent cramming as much of each into our minds and mouths as possible. The only problem was, our parents didn't BUY junk food. So we had to make it ourselves.

It must have been around 1989 when I first discovered the snack that would fill our latchkey days with sugar highs: I called it Lindsay's Secret Surprise, and it was delicious. To this day, Kevin insists that he had no idea how I made it and was in awe of my cooking skills. I could get him to lend me money, do my chores, and give me more than my share of face time with the Mario Brothers, just by promising to make it. It has since become one of those family legends talked about over the dinner table every time I go home.

Here's the recipe:
Lindsay's Secret Surprise (all amounts are approximate)
Half a stick of butter
3/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup Hershey's Unsweetened Chocolate powder
half a capful of almond flavoring (NOT imitation)

Melt the butter in the microwave and stir everything else in. Split into two bowls and serve in front of the TV. Prepare to "come down" in approximately two hours, just in time to complain about having to set the table for dinner.

Enjoy, but if you're going to eat this stuff every day, it would help to also ride a bike 3 miles per day and have the metabolism of a twelve year old!

Tracy Lyons:
My favorite sandwich when i was 6 years old was jelly and rainbow sprinkles. Lord knows how my mother let me eat that sort of thing! I think it was her way of giving me "independence" at an early age - making my own lunches in kindergarten. well, this sandwich was the result. And if you'd like to make your own, here's how: take out two slices of soft white bread, spread grape jelly generously on both pieces, and sprinkle massive amounts of rainbow sprinkles onto one piece (enough to give it a really good crunch when you eat it). Now put the pieces together and voila! I hope you enjoy this culinary masterpiece.

Also, Claire, I love those silver dollar pancakes you're talking about! A way of eating them that was introduced to me by a friend early on in elementary school was to put peanut butter and jelly on them and roll them up. Yum yum! No rainbow sprinkles, though.

Maud Newton:
Recipes for Simple Childhood Snacks I Prepared by
Myself:

Peanut Butter:
Gouge knife into jar of peanut butter. Lick peanut butter off knife. Repeat.

Kool-Aid Powder:
Open can of Kool Aid powder. Pour scoopful of powder
into mouth. Repeat.

Giant Marshmallow:
Put marshmallow on plate. Microwave for 1 minute on
high. It will grow like a giant puss ball! Eat while it is still big, scalding the roof of your mouth.

Egg:
Place whole egg on plate in microwave. Microwave for one minute or until egg explodes. Do not eat it. Do not clean it up. Leave kitchen immediately. Later, blame it on your sister.

Candy:
Intentionally lose your mother in JCPenney. Find the candy counter. Look sad and then burst into tears because you are separated from your mom. Voila, candy! Eat quickly, because your mother is probably on to you.