Today is the day to skip the math section.
Only three shows left of my Second City Writing Show "TV Misguided"! Read here for more information.
Man, so many people have sent me good descriptions of the crazy foods they made for themselves as kids. Can you top them?
This Sketch Doesn't Have a Good Name But It's About Making Fun of the Term "Follow Your Dreams"
MOM and DAD, two coddling, yoga-riffic yuppie parents, are looking at preschools for their son. They are at Mantesselli, a very progressive preschool, for an interview with Ms. Jones, a holier-than-thou woman in clogs, knee socks and a jumper. She is walking them through the play room, filled with children at play.
MS. JONES
Here at Mantesselli, our main goal is to encourage our students to follow
their dreams, no matter what they are. So you see over there? Little Jessica
is only three years old, but she wants to be an astronaut, so we are teaching
her nuclear physics. Look at her go!
MOM (COOLY, A BIT BORED)
Yes, very nice.
DAD
You see, our gifted son Connor is immensely talented and we will spend no
expense giving him the encouraging and enriching atsmophere he has worked
so hard to deserve lo these 3 years.
MS. JONES
Yes, of course.
DAD
I mean, he’s a genius.
MS. JONES
I understand.
MOM
He’s stupendous.
MS. JONES
I don’t doubt that.
DAD
Seriously, he’s--
MS. JONES
Well, if his dream is to attend Mantesselli, this is the place to be. Look
at young Michael over there...according to him, his dream is to study the
effects of violence upon youngsters and so we let him play “Grand Theft
Auto” all day.
MOM
How old is he?
MS. JONES
He’s three.
DAD
How was he able to articulate so well what his dream was?
MS. JONES
We just assumed it, since all Mantesselli students are bright. Bright and
have dreams.You see little Serena over there? She wants to be a veterinarian,
so we’ve given her a fetal pig to dissect. And she’s only 4 years
old!
MOM
Her incision isn’t very neat.
DAD
Is she dressing the corpse up as baby?!
MS. JONES
If that’s her dream, then she’s allowed to follow it.
DAD (POINTING TO A 40 YEAR OLD MAN I THE CORNER, PLAYING WITH A TRUCK)
Well, who is he?
MS. JONES
Oh, that’s Tommy Jenkins. His dream was to quit taking his medication,
divorce his wife and come back and be a full-time student here for the rest
of his life.
MOM
Doesn’t that scare the other kids?
MS. JONES
Well, here we never discourage our students from following our dreams, no
matter how terrifying they are to our other students.
Tommy wanders over and kicks Mom in the shin.
MS. JONES (cont’d)
Very good, Tommy!
MOM (IN PAIN)
Are you joking? That psycho just kicked me!
DAD
I could have him arrested!
MS. JONES (SHELTERING TOMMY)
I’m sorry, I don’t think you understand. It was also Tommy’s
dream to have free reign to kick anybody he wanted in life. And here at Mantesselli,
we believe strongly in not stifling our students’ dreams.
MOM
Fine!
She kicks Tommy back in the leg.
MS. JONES (SHOCKED)
Why, how could you?
MOM (SMUGLY)
Well, it was MY dream to kick one of your freak students.
MS. JONES
Do you ATTEND Mantesselli?
MOM
Well, obviously, no.
MS. JONES
Then you have no right to follow your dreams.
To Tommy
MS. JONES (cont’d)
Tommy, I command you to aspire to stomp on that mean woman’s foot.
Fade.