Today is the day to pour a tall glass of Hennessy.

ZULKEY.COM EVENT ANNOUNCEMENT!

This Friday, catch the debut of the Second City writing show "TV Misguided," including the writing of yours truly! Be at the Skybox at 10 p.m. this Friday. Admission is $5 (I think. And alcohol is available for purchase.) For more dates, click here, and for more information on the location, click here. Come and be generous with the laughs!

And to celebrate, here is a sketch that will not appear in the show:

The Adventures of Herman Weisburger, Undercover Teen

The principal is talking to Herman in his office on stage right, with Herman’s back to the audience.

PRINCIPAL
Ok, Herman, today we’re hoping to crack down on high school sex and see if we can catch some of our drug dealers. Think you can handle that?

HERMAN (IN A GRUFF VOICE)
Yes sir.

Lights down on stage right, lights up on stage left. Ashley, a typical 16 year old is talking to Herman, whose back is still turned to the audience.

ASHLEY
So, like, I’m totally thinking about finally doing it with Chuck at prom.

HERMAN
Are you sure that’s such a great idea?

ASHLEY
It’s totally time and we’ve come of age! And I think he loves me. And, well, like, everybody’s doing it.

Herman turns to reveal that he’s a portly, balding, mustachioed, middle aged man in a Power Puff Girls tank top, miniskirt, and platform shoes. He puts his hand on Ashley’s.

HERMAN
Sweetie...not EVERYBODY’s doing it.

ASHLEY
You? Hermanette? You mean...

HERMAN
Totally. Like, I’m saving myself.

ASHLEY
For who?

HERMAN
Well, Nick Carter would be nice. But you know, the right hottie who loves me one day. I think I can wait.

ASHLEY
I can’t believe that you still haven’t done it. But if somebody as totally cool and pretty and popular as you is still a virgin, then...

HERMAN
You’re totally worth it, girlfriend!

They hug. Lights down on stage left. Lights up on stage right. Herman is in the same outfit but talking to two teenage boys.

BRANDON
So you’re going to the party tonight, Hermanette?

HERMAN
I dunno, B-money. I might be chillin’ with the girls tonight.

PETE
You should totally come.

HERMAN
How come?

BRANDON
Well, there’s going to be weed there.

HERMAN
Really?

PETE
Yeah, look, I’ve been selling a little on the side. It’s been sweet. Look:

Pete pulls a bag of pot out of his pocket.

PETE (cont’d)
Plus, we need some hotties like you there.

HERMAN (DELIBERATING)
Well, I’m totally flattered! You're like, um...

He pulls a pair of handcuffs out of his pockets and slaps them on Pete.

HERMAN (cont’d: GRUFFLY, SARCASTICALLY)
Like, totally busted.

PETE
No way! What the hell, man?

Herman pulls a pair of thick glasses out of his pockets and puts them on.

PETE (cont’d)
Holy crap! She’s undercover!

BRANDON
And she’s a he!

Pete and Brandon both wipe their mouths.

HERMAN
Sorry boys. It’s, like, totally part of the job.

Ashley walks by. Herman shoots the guys a warning look and hurriedly takes off the glasses again.

ASHLEY
Thanks again for the advice! You’re the coolest!

They do a complicated high five routine that ends up bumping their hips together.

HERMAN
You go girl!

He gives the crowd a thumbs-up and doubles over with a hacking cough.

FADE.