Today is the day to chew 400 times before swallowing.

Finally, I am in an Irritable Colon video. Or, my disembodied voice is, anyway. Hear it here in Quicktime, here in Real. The best part is that this was unscripted and totally true-to-life.

If you have those medical questions, those queries that really don't need a visit to the doctor like "Am I in labor?" or "Is this melanoma?" call on Dr. Hot Pants! It's like havnig your own charmingly green med student work on you in the hospital, only without a crowd watching you as you do so because it was your dumb luck that you ended up at a 'teaching hospital.' Anyway. You've got those questions. "Why do I have dandruff?" "How come my tongue looks gray?" "Does the g-spot actually exist?" and "Who is this 'Kelvin Degree' I keep hearing so much about?" Email me with the phrase "Dr. Hot Pants" in the subject line and we will get your questions answered, provided that the good doctor is not too busy picking up guys or studying for exams.

The Doctor is In! Appointment #4

Dear Dr. Hot Pants:

It so happened that one day in college (not to disclose your identity, but you may have possibly been my roommate at the time) I got my first yeast infection. I was in grossed-out denial for a day or two and then, one night, woke up with an utterly undeniable itching and burning in my "dude." I stumbled into this diarist's room and woke her up, desperate for her been-there knowledge. She told me she had a tube of Monistat in the bathroom so in I stumbled, blindly groping. I grabbed an innocuous white tube which might have (but probably not) looked like it said "monistat" and slathered it on. Two seconds later I was in excruciating pain. I had, in reality, used our third rommate's acne medication, which I belive was Accutane. I spent, literally, an hour in the shower washing my "dude" while the rest of you slept on, oblivious to my suffering and extreme pain. To this day I wonder, Dr. Hot Pants, will I still be able to have children?

Sincereley,
Concerned With Conception in California

Dear Concerned (and a side note, can I just say how thrilled I am to hear from my lovely and amazing ex-roommate?),

Hooray for college! I definitely remember this medical adventure, as horrible and painful as it was for you, as being a huge source of amusement for us other roommates. That is, once you were feeling better, of course. For the medical record, I do NOT recommend using acne medication to clear up a yeast infection, unless you want to add even more pain and agony to an already uncomfortable situation. Luckily for you, Accutane only comes in pill form-- which is really good because it causes serious birth defects and you definitely would not want to apply it to your "dude." I think the medicine you used was probably clindamycin or some other nice topical antibiotic. So-- as soon as the swelling goes down (which hopefully will be any day now after these 4 years)--you will be able to have lovely beautiful children, who will more likely than not be blessed with perfect skin, since they will have their first dose of anti-acne medication before their little faces have even emerged from the old birth canal. And I expect at least one of them to be named after me, although you could use my actual name instead of Hot Pants if you prefer...

love,
Dr. HP