April 17, 2003

Today is the day to tip 35%.

Synergy. I review James Frey's book A Million Little Pieces.

If you've been following sports news lately, you might be aware of some hijinks at Comiskey Park US Cellular Field. In a White Sox game against the Kansas City Royals, several hooligans charged the field, one actually attacking an umpire. Also, as you may know, this is not the first time this has happened within the last year at this field, plus, it happened against the same team.

Why are these Sox fans so unruly? Are they merely proving a stereotype as South Siders as retarded, <this has been edited due to complaints of insensitivity> half-bred, lawless shirtless yahoos true?

No. Here are some of my theories on why so much trespassing occurred Tuesday night:

• Superstrong gravity pulled fans down out of the seats, onto the field
  
  
• It was Official Charge The Field Night at US Cellular
  
  
• Trespassers feared for safety of players; there are a lot of dangerous bats and balls being thrown around!
  
  
• People need love. And hugs.
  
  
• Unconfirmed terrorist 'chatter' that the Kansas City Royals is actually a sleeper cell.
  
  
• Calls made by umpire Laz Diaz actually done in order to torment assaulter Eric Dybas, 24, of Bolingbrook.
  
  
• Celebration of my birthday gone awry.
  
  
• They were way, way too sober.
  
  
• Because going on the field is awesome.