February 20, 2003

Today is the day to know that children aren't the future. The future is the future.

Introductory Newsletter to PETOFP
(People for the Ethical Treatment of Famous People)

Greetings! If you are taking the time to read this pamphlet instead of automatically throwing it away, you are already showing interest in our cause and on the road to enlightenment. We thank you for that. No, really. Thanks a million.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Famous People is an organization dedicated to the preservation, privacy and understanding of the modern celebrity. Celebrity is an extremely rare and fragile species, and it is up to caring, everyday and unimportant people like you to make sure that famous people thrive and are as happy as possible.

Celebrities, like puppies, children and some plants, need constant care and attention. "What can I do to maintain the contentment and stability of my favorite celebrities?"

Well, we were just about to get to that. Read our clever steps to understanding celebrity, and you will be ready to share in our endeavor.

C is for Compassion. How would you like it if people criticized your for every move you make? Whether you're Robert Blake, Michael Jackson or Anne Heche, everybody makes mistakes sometimes. Next time you're about to open your big mouth to talk shit about a celebrity to your stupid friends, ask yourself, "How would I feel if people I didn't even know criticized me every time I killed my wife/slept with a 13 year old/pretended to be gay?"

E is for Empathy. Remember, celebrities did not ask for this life. It is like manifest destiny; some of us were selected to become famous, others to wallow in anonymity. So the next time Madonna or Catherine Zeta-Jones gets married in a Scottish castle, inviting only their closest 5,000 friends, wearing a dress designed by the spawn of a Beatle, selling the rights of the photos to "InStyle" and suing anybody else who might have some documented evidence of the marriage, remember, this is the only way they know how!

L is for Liposuction. Don't be fooled! Liposuction is for ordinary people who want to look thin and attractive (like celebrities!). Famous people are either born thin and attractive, or naturally evolve into thin and attractive beings, like Courtney Love, Jennifer Aniston and Tori Spelling. If you need to fake it, you ain't got it, fatso.

E is for Empathy. We told you that already.

B is for babies. Celebrity is something that may be inherited (You may look to Kate Hudson, Drew Barrymore and Roger Clinton as examples.) Do not be jealous that the kin of celebrities also inherits fame, good looks and money. It is not their fault that your children will inevitably be overweight and slow-witted.

R is for Rich. Some idiots out there have been known to complain about how celebrities make millions of dollars for their movies or TV shows, while teachers barely make enough to live on. But do teachers need money to sue tabloids, to pay for reparations to damaged hotel rooms, for Pilates instructors and numerous demands for alimony and child support? We thought not.

P.s. Teachers are homely and mean, especially Mrs. Johnson who taught us math in the fifth grade.

T is for T&A. Male celebrities are allowed to sleep with whichever attractive women they choose (unless they're gay, which we're not saying they are.) This may seem unfair/chauvinistic, but they're merely promoting their species as best they can. Try to understand.

Y is for YOU! You can help in our effort to keep our celebrities happy, well-groomed and coked to the tits. Contact us to find out more about what you can do. Thank you, and please remember, don't hate the player, hate the game. The fame game, that is.

We apologize for forgetting "I." It is Oscar season, after all.