February 6, 2003

Today is the day to punch somebody if they're wearing the same outfit as you.

The journalistic machine that is Claire Zulkey needs your help. Do you know anybody (including yourself) who was married while in college? Details don't matter, as long as they would be willing to be interviewed via email or phone or Instant Messenger. Names and dates may be changed. The survival of the world (if by 'world' you mean an article I'm working on) depends on it. Drop me an email if you can be of assistance. Thank you.

No More Horsing Around

Lights up on one half the stage with CATHERINE THE GREAT, sitting in her modern apartment but wearing a crown and fuzzy slippers. She’s drinking a glass of wine and talking on the phone. The other half of the stage is dark.

CATHERINE
Look, I think we need a break.

ED
Excuse me?

CATHERINE
I think we need some time apart from each other, is all.

ED
You’ve got to be kidding. Where did this come from?

CATHERINE
I’m sorry to spring this on you, but look, I just don’t feel comfortable anymore...people are starting to talk.

ED
Look, you’re the all-powerful leader of Russia. Of course people are going to talk.

CATHERINE
Well, I just don’t feel comfortable.

Lights up on ED, on the other side of the stage: he’s a horse (wearing the bottom half of a horse costume.) He’s drinking a beer and watching TV.

ED
You don’t feel comfortable? Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? My family won’t talk to me. I have nowhere to go. I have been completely thrust out of my element because of you and now YOU’RE the one bowing out?

CATHERINE
Look, you don’t know how hard it is for me...

ED
How hard is it for you? Boo-freakin’ hoo. I’m a goddamn talking horse dating a woman, and the woman is Catherine the Great. You think that’s easy?

CATHERINE
You know, I don’t like the tone of your voice.

ED
Oh, give it a rest, Cathy. You didn’t mind when I used to talk to you like that. Now tell me, seriously, what is it? Somebody else? One of those hot new Arabian studs? Or maybe an Appaloosa? Or a pony, you pervert?

CATHERINE
I don’t have to answer these questions.

ED
I think you owe me an explanation.

CATHERINE
Look, I love you, I really do. I just...I just can’t do this anymore.

ED (GETTING DESPONDENT)
But...but...I don’t know what I’d do without you. What am I supposed to do, just go back to dating regular women?

CATHERINE
I’m sorry, Ed. I’m so sorry. I love you. But I’m in charge of Russia now, and I can’t handle this. I just can’t. It’s either you or the country.

ED (INCREDULOUS)
And you’re going to pick Russia?

CATHERINE
I’m afraid I have to.

ED
Do you know how crappy this country is? Everybody’s dingy. And you’re throwing us away for it?

CATHERINE
It’s my job, Edward.

ED
It’s always been your job first, me second.

CATHERINE
I’m sorry. Please, let’s not end it this way. I don’t want to remember you in anger.

ED
Well, can I give you a call sometime?

CATHERINE
I’ll call you, okay?

ED
Fine.

CATHERINE
And I’ll put in a good word for you at the stables.

ED (SARCASTICALLY)
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

CATHERINE
Hey, we’ll always have bareback, won’t we?

ED
I suppose we will. I suppose we will.

Ed and Cathy hang up, as the song “Time of My Life” swells briefly and they both sit, depressed. Catherine clutches a stuffed toy horse and they both swill from their drinks.
FADE.