January 20, 2003

Today is the day to bring your backpack, because I'm taking you to school!

Excerpts from What to Expect When You're Expecting an Alien Baby

Even though you will crave raw plutonium in your ninth trimester, avoid it; it will cause ear leaking. Best to stick with boron.

Be sure to massage the area between the breasts from where your screaming, slithering not-of-this-earth offspring will burst forth.

It is not unusual to experience night terrors during the day.

It's normal for hair to grow in unusual places, including between your fingers, under your fingernails, and on your tongue. If any grows from your elbows, however, be sure to see your pediatrician for a quick round of electrocution therapy.

Speak to your baby, especially to encourage it not to devour you during its gestation.

When it becomes too uncomfortable to sleep on your stomach, it's best to just forget about sleeping altogether.

Don't be frightened by changes in your physique. Concave breasts are a beautiful part of extraterrestrial maternity.

If you're having a natural birth, request your obstetrician in advance to sew up your episiotomy with twine.

Avoid relaxing in warm baths unless you're interested in having an alien fish baby.

Lamaze is only helpful if your class takes place in the afternoon, on Mars.

Resist the urge to poke your cervix with a pickle.*

*Courtesy A.J. Daulerio