December 5, 2002

Today is the day to make some sort of chart.

Transcript from Barbara Walters' Exclusive Interview With Me

BW: How would you describe Claire Zulkey? In a word?

CZ [two-minute pause]: Survivor.

BW: Survivor.

CZ: Yes, survivor.

BW: Okay, so...

CZ: No wait! Can I change my answer?

BW: Of course.

CZ: No, I'll stick with 'survivor.'

BW: Okay. Now, there have been a lot of rumors about you and drugs. Claire, do you want to tell the truth?

CZ: Look. I'm not hooked on drugs. Sometimes I like to party, that's all. But nothing serious.

BW: What about the time you were caught driving a golf cart through a Wal-Mart, and were found to have traces of no fewer than 29 different narcotics in your system?

CZ: That whole driving thing. That was a joke. If people can' take a joke, if they can't get me, well, that's not my problem. I have finally given myself the permission to say that. It's not my fault.

BW: What about the drugs?

CZ [pupils visibly dilated]: Huh?

BW: In your 9th album, Embracing My Return To The Library To Bring Back Some Books That I'm Afraid Are Overdue, And I'm Really Quite Sorry About That IV, your liner notes give a "shout out" to Andy Knight for mailing you "that good, hard, Canadian candy"... Is this, in fact, Canadian Crack Cocaine, also known as 3C?

CZ: Look. Here's the secret that nobody knows. Drug tests are not always accurate. A lot of the things found in my system were not drugs. They were drug-like substances.

BW: Such as?

CZ: Baby powder. Baking powder. Powdered sugar. Poppyseeds. Oregano. Small-animal tranquilizers. Cocaine.

BW: Now, a lot of people have asked about your relationship with Russell Crowe.

CZ: Yes...

BW: You know, right before we started filming, my assistant asked me, "Why? Why does she stay with him?"

CZ: Who is this?

BW: My assistant.

CZ: That woman over there? [points off camera]

BW: Yes, but...

CZ: I'm going to [expletive] her [expletive] up! [Runs off camera, cries are heard. Returns to chair, slightly sweaty.]

BW: But yes, about Russell Crowe.

CZ: Yes. Well, we're both very angry people.

BW: How can that be healthy?

CZ [raising fist]: Are you challenging me?

BW [cringing]: No.

CZ: Okay. So anyway, he is my light and my life, and the most beautiful person I know, body, mind and soul. But mostly body. We just both like to punch people so much, and that's why we're so good together. It's us against the world.

BW: That's beautiful. Now, about the estranged relationship with your mother...

CZ: The lawsuits?

BW: Yes. Now, I've heard of the parents of celebrities suing to get money. But I've never heard of such a countersuit as yours.

CZ: Nine million dollars? Listen, Barbara. I'm a very important person. Time is money. The time that my mother has wasted of mine with these claims of "abuse" and "neglect" is worth no less than $80 to me.

BW: And the remaining $8,999,920?

CZ: Emotional damage.

BW: What would you say to your mother if I told you she was sitting here right now in the studio, waiting to make amends?

CZ [rising from chair]: What? Where? I'm going to [expletive] her [expletive] up, too!

BW [making shooing motion to somebody off camera]: Oh, no, no, she's not here. It was just a hypothetical question.

CZ: Okay, look, I gotta go shoot a McDonald's ad with the Hamburglar. Are you going to ask me that M&M question?

BW: Okay. If you were to be any kind of color M&M, what would it be?

CZ: Well, even though he raps and he sorta talks black, he's white, so I guess I'd just stay that way. But not that there's anything wrong with being another color.

BW: Yes, well. Um.

CZ: Can I smoke in here?

BW: We're almost done. Now, Claire, if there is one thing that people should know about you that they don't...if they were to get to know you, what would it be?

CZ: That I'm a survivor...type...thingy.

BW: Yes?

CZ: Yes. I have to go now. [Flees off-camera.]