Tell me about the secret bane of your existence. They go up Thursday.

Read my review of Sea-Monkeys on Flak. I've had some great experiences with them. Twice they've been connected with true love, but that's a whole other story. Or two.

Also, read my little piece, "Pills and Soap," on the Surgery of Modern Warfare. Those of you familiar with my lists may recognize it.

I don't usually publish reader mail here at Zulkey.com, but I received something Friday that was quite poignant, from Brooke Weinstein, who really should become my assistant editor:

Dear Claire,

I just wanted to let you know that I think your dad is really great, too. I notice that your mom is getting the majority of the attention on zulkey.com (I realize that I am one of the contributing guilty parties), and thought that your dad might be feeling a little sub par.
There are so many reasons that your dad is great, many of which I'm sure that I'm not even aware of. Just a few that I can think of:

1) He really, really loves Major.
2) He saw Hootie and the Blow (pause) Fish in an elevator.
3) He always says the wrong names of celebrities without realizing it.
4) He gets your friends jobs at his law firm.

Like I said, that's just a few off the top of my head. Please let him know that he has fans out there too! Maybe you could include your dad more in the future...

Love,
Brooke

Brooke is very tricky, you see. She is trying to make ingratiate herself to my parents, because last week she got 'in' with my Mom. Nice job, Brooke, thanks very much for making me look like crap <sarcastic applause.> But little do you know, my Dad couldn't care less whether or not you make your bed.

Ok, so she's right. My Dad has not been on the site that much. He claims that he's not as funny (untrue) or as good a typist (true) as my Mom. And it's just one of those intangibles. So there will be more in the future. But why not an intro?

Here is my Dad. And I will explain the things that Brooke mentioned in her guiltifying email:

1) He really, really loves Major.
This is true. My Dad worships our dog. You have to be a dog owner, or at least read this essay, to understand. But every morning my Dad lets Major out, feeds him dog food, cereal, AND banana, and then goes to work at 5:15 a.m. He likes to 'dress Major up' sometimes with articles of clothing that are laying around. When our air conditioning went out, he slept with Major in the cool basement. He comes up with nicknames for him, ones that don't even make sense, like "The Golden Palomino". In fact, it's a little creepy sometimes. But mostly it's sweet.

2) He saw Hootie and the Blow (pause) Fish in an elevator.
This is true as well. My Dad's office building also happens to house a Chicago radio station. While in college, I received the following email:

I was in the elevator today with these guys, and they all had musical instruments. Then later I learned that they were Hootie and the Blow Fish.
-Ed

(Sometimes my Dad signs his name "Ed," and sometimes he calls me Janice, too. I know what he means.)

3) He always says the wrong names of celebrities without realizing it.
This is mostly true. Let's see, some good ones.
Justin Powers (for Austin Powers)
Pete Yarn/Varn (for Pete Yorn, the first contemporary musician who he's patronized since 1985.)
Mike Springman (for Bruce Springsteen.)

However, I don't think that he always 'doesn't realize it.' We here at Zulkey.com headquarters thinks that sometimes he just doesn't feel like remembering the name and just hopes we get the general idea. We usually do but sometimes we make him sweat it out and try to remember the actual name.

4) He gets your friends jobs at his law firm.
I am not going to elaborate upon this but I will say that my Dad is a very helpful and kind man. And it also doesn't hurt to be a baseball fan.

Go, Dad! If you have any further questions, you can email him.. But look for an interview in the upcoming future.