June 11, 2002

Today is the day to complete the transaction

How would you like two lists today? They don't call it "Two-fer Tuesday" for nothing, even though I'm sure you thought they did, my sweet simpleton. First, you can check out one I wrote for McSweeney's. And now you can read the regular Tuesday one. Don't say I don't spoil you.

Sub-Urban Snaps

Your Mama...

...Is so stupid she only got a 1350 on her SAT's
...Is so fat she had to go to Bally's to work off some post-holiday pounds
...Is so old she's a member of A.A.R.P.
...Is so short she has to shop at the petites department at Neiman Marcus
...Is so ugly she has to wear makeup
...Is so hairy she has to go to the salon once every two months for a wax
...Is such a slut she had three kids with the same husband
...Is so poor she flies business class
...Stank so much she wears deodorant
...Is so nice I'd like to invite her over for dinner