Today is the day to operate on flextime.

Well, there are a few things I could say, like, today's interview is so good, your brain probably can't register it and that's why you don't see it in front of you. Or, my interviewee subject has been kidnapped. But that's not true. You'll just have to wait. Anyway, sorry, Zulkey.com readers, this promised interview will wait until next week. I also apologize to my mom, who has been promised the exclusive 'interview-after-this-one' spot, but she'll have to wait as well. Sorry, mom, and all. If you want a refund, just let me know.

Anyway, all, have a great Memorial Day weekend. You'd best do some memorializing, or else there will be hell to pay.

Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'll try not to leave you empty-handed. My dear friend Steve Delahoyde, along with my other dear-but-I-don't-know-him-as-well-friend Waki Gamez, together known as "Irritable Colon," have written a song about me. About me! It will be some time before I can allow you to hear the music (right now the notes are so high and sweet that they float up among the seraphim, and are not accessible to the likes of mortal thee), but you can read the lyrics! So, enjoy. So without further ado:

The Claire Zulkey Manifesto
by Irritable Colon

Verse 1
Gal sits alone drinking some Bordeaux
In a dusty bar in Chicago
Thinks about her writing, how it changed the earth
To episodic prose, she does give birth
Etches down ideas for a brand new piece
'Bout a tough whacked-out lesbian named Denise
Chuckles at the notion of this thought
With zany humor it is truly wrought.

Chorus 1
Claire Zulkey's a writer, she doesn't care
What color your eyes are or your hair
Claire Zulkey builds spaceships in Vietnam
With oodles of grace and sacks of aplomb
Claire Zulkey's a writer, she knows it's wrong
to think so damn poorly of this song

Verse 2
Claire Zulkey's got the flava, you peeps all should know
Hear her comin' at you with the wicked jet fresh flow
Writin' freaky phat verse that you know don't blow
Bout this fresh chick named Denise who lives in old So Ho
Tired of her life as a nominal C.E.O.
She contemplates the mistakes she makes
(who knows her state?)
The Fates know.
Wanted to see Texas since a long time ago
Singing A to the L to the A-M-0.

Chorus 2
Claire Zulkey fights gators in her spare time
Hunkers right down in the muck and grime
Claire Zulkey spins yarns like old Hemingway
But unlike him, she has much to say
Claire Zulkey saves orphans with no reason or rhyme
She'll beat 'em dead, if you give her a dime.

Bridge

Chorus 3
Claire Zulkey's a writer, she doesn't care
What color your eyes are or your hair
Claire Zulkey builds spaceships in Vietnam
With oodles of grace and sacks of aplomb
Claire Zulkey's a writer, she knows it's wrong
to think so damn poorly of this song