MARCH 28, 2002

Today is the day to wonder if all those girls are talking about you.

Today we're going to wrap up some loose odds and ends. People have been very good about volunteering their ideas and stories for Zulkey.com, but not nearly enough. I beseech you to contribute more. Not just for the good of me, or for you, but for the good of the world.

In response to the origin of the kangaroo:
Ray Hellinski observes, "I know all there is to know about the Kangaroooooo. Simply this. The Kangaroo has quit smoking recently. To feed her need of having something in her paws, she sat down with a tin of grocery-store brand Mixed Nuts and began popping them into her mouth. She started out slowly, but then tossed them back with ever increasing speed, soon unaware of what she was doing. Then she set down her copy of Entertainment Weekly and looked into the tin, mildly shocked by the fact that there was perhaps only a third of the nuts left. She reached in a pulled out a large Brazilian nut, thinking, "This is the last. I will savor it, and put them away." She ate it slowly, knifing off slim pieces and chewing them into a paste. When it was devoured, she snapped the lid back on and put the tin out of her reach. When she was half-way through the article on Dean Cain's comeback, however, the tin had materialized in her paws and she was again tossing them into her mouth, not caring if it were an almond or a filbert. She put the can away and decided to go to the gym instead. Here is a quick snapshot of her as she walks through the kitchen, her gym clothes in her pouch, and she casts a quick look at that forlorn tin, waiting....waiting.
And everyone knows that Claire Zulkey likes nutz...Ha Ha!"

In response to working for Zulkey.com, the roster is as follows, thus far:
Joseph Schmidt is the official getaway driver. He states his case saying, "While not comfortable selling myself, I need you to know that I would make an exemplary getaway driver. I can parallel park silkily, will pass on the shoulder, will not take kindly to people messin with my flow. Also, reckless, I'm growing an entire crop of marijuana in the backyard of my parents house. Please find a use for me, because I feel like I'm just stagnating."
Liz McArdle is the official Zulkey.com Soul Sister.
Clara Van Zanten (nice name, huh?) is the Prime Minister of Getting it Ready for this Jelly.
And, getting an extra award for hustle, Nathan Rabin applied for, and was awarded, the following positions even before Zulkey.com existed:
Assistant Claire Zulkey
Executive Vice President Of Keeping It Real
Vibe Controller
Intern
Special Guest Star
Regulator
Vice Director of Maintaining
Assistant Pimp in Charge of Putting the Smack Down

And, in response to disliking things without knowing anything about them:
David Mogolov tells us of a favorite haunt in Boston called The Avenue. "I hate the Avenue for no particular reason. It just makes me angry going by it on the train. I wish ruin upon its proprietors." He also hates the Cheap Trick song "I Want You to Want Me," reserving especial disdain for the "Live at the Budokan" recording.
Claire Weingarden (yet another fortunately-named individual) "doesn't even want to know anything" about tanning beds.
And, Liz McArdle, pulling double duty, tells us that she hates slugs, and, inexplicably, carnations, because "they killed my mother."

We reserve judgement here at Zulkey.com. That's why you should give us your input. Hey, your name won't be popping up on Google here at the moment, but that doesn't mean it won't in the future. And you know that when all those potential employers or secret crushes start looking you up, you want your name to be associated with a fine establishment like this.