I like iced coffee. And I like coconut La Croix. So I was intrigued when I read this SBNation article claiming that mixing the two results in a beverage that is "a bright, refreshing twist on your summertime caffeine fix."
I was so intrigued by this suggestion that I made two separate trips for the coffee (I have been drinking Trader Joe's) and for the water. I was even thinking about serving this intriguing mix to some friends I was having over for a morning hangout. I'm glad I tasted the cocktail first because had I tried to foist this hellacious brew on my friends undoubtedly I would have been out two friends. One of my pals did try the drink but only under the premise of, "This is the worst thing I have ever tasted. Try it and tell me if you agree."
She agreed and helped articulate what goes so wrong about the blend. At first sip, it kind of works (the way the toasted coconut cold brew at Starbucks works.) But once the initial pleasant tastes of coffee and coconut have reached your palate the drink collapses on itself, reminding you that there is a flat, metallic taste to cold coffee and a flat, metallic taste to La Croix and blending them tastes like the beachy version of blending a bottle of aspirin with Jeppson's Malört. It reminded me of Coca-Cola's famous Coke BlāK product, which, taste-wise, followed a "Hmm, maybe...nope, wait--nope, nope, NO" tasting experience.
I suppose that perhaps the drink might taste better mixed with cream but that was not in the original recipe and I don't tend to put milk in my coffee. If we're going to start tinkering with the recipe I would just rather have a pina colada, please.
So congratulations, SBNation. You tricked me into drinking your devil juice but no amount of social media millennial-influenced savvy can convince me that it's the new summer beverage. Maybe in exchance I can convince you to try my drink of summer, the frosé.