When I was a little kid I found solace in sucking my thumb while simultaneously twiddling a segment of my pillow's crisp case, making a sort of cracking/flicking sound with it. I quit sucking my thumb around kindergarten but I never really gave up the pillow thing. I had a particular pillow that I know was probably gross but it was very comforting, the smell and feel of it. Plus, there was the pillowcase (it changed over the years but I always preferred a low thread count, for crispness), which was good for worrying on long car trips and helped me feel a little more at home wherever I went. I even brought the pillow with me to the hospital both times I gave birth.

This weekend I got bedbugs while on my writing retreat which suuuucked but what really bummed me out is that the pillow was the main casualty.  I put it in the washing machine, which I'd done on occasion before when I was like "Okay, Claire, that pillow is gross." You can't really top bedbugs when it comes to pillow-related grossness so I threw it in there with other clothes I was hoping to decontaminate. When I opened up the washer after the cycle it was like I had laundered 80 doves. The pillow was disemboweled completely, its innards all over the place. It was dead as can be.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I used to wonder how and when I'd put the pillow out to pasture so in some ways I'm relieved that it's done and out of my hands. But it's going to be very weird tonight to go to sleep without something comforting to wrap my arms around (you know how sometimes you don't know what to do with your arms when you're in bed?) and comforting to bury my face in. Maybe I'll go buy another down pillow? I'm not sure what type will age best into a comforting, clicky, squishy, smells-just-right, take-when-you-have-a-baby pillow-friend.

 

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