Read a story to each of your clean cups and dishes before you put them away. Could you go to sleep if you were just put in a cabinet with no bedtime story?

Throw away all your children's things. They will understand once you explain to them the importance of tidying up.

Then throw away all your children.

Have company over every day. If you do not elicit a daily compliment on how tidy your house is, you are not tidy enough.

Don't hide your beautiful ice bucket anymore. Put it on display! Then squeeze all your toothpaste, handsoap and body lotion into it so that you can easily dip into it whenever you need. No more unsightly containers of other things!

Take all your carpets and neatly shape them all into a small square. Put the square in your medicine cabinet.

Clean your ceiling once a day. The ceiling is the sky of our homes. Do you like a dirty sky or a clean one?

Use up all your old nailpolish by painting the backs of the cockroaches in your house. That way they will delight you every time you see them (and you will also know which ones are newcomers so you can welcome them into your house with my patented Cockroach Welcoming Ceremony.)

Your clothes work so hard. Honor them by laying them all out on your bed so that they are not insulted by living in the closet. You: sleep on the floor.

Love every minute you spend cleaning. If you don't love it, please buy my other books because they will teach you how.

Go buy more things so that you can spend more time enjoying getting rid of them.

Burn all your books. We will have a special book incineration ceremony in the town square this weekend followed by a tidiness parade. Please report your friends who do not attend.

Fold the edges of your toilet paper so that it resembles a tiny rosette. Not only will it please the eye, it will feel so good on your butthole.