A few weeks ago I was at my friend Julie's house for dinner when we were attacking a cheese plate with these adorable tiny cheese knives. We were hungry and after a few minutes we abandoned the adorable tiny cheese knives because, due to their adorable tininess, they were useless unless you wanted to eat your cheese one molecule at a time.
"This reminds me of your dessert forks," Julie said, hearkening back to a time we were over at my house and I proudly set out some tiny, antique silver dessert forks I had received as a wedding gift that, like the cheese knives, were lovely and dainty for ladies who lunch who have delicate appetites but impractical for anyone interested in seriously chowing down on the Pioneer Woman cake Julie made ("Holding this fork makes me feel like Shrek," was Julie's input.)
We started laughing about all the kitchen accoutrements that we own that seemed either super-classy, useful, or time-saving when we first acquired them that we just never use because they don't fit into our lives at all. I have owned several items like these, such as the pasta measuring device that was impossible to use (plus I basically only make pasta by the box or half-box anyway), the herb chopper that left more herbs on the chopper than on the cutting board, the creme brulee blowtorch I registered for as a wedding gift that is still in its 2008 packaging, and most recently, the set of small casserole dishes I bought when I was on an Ina Garten kick that had me convinced this was what I'd be doing with my time and life.
I asked some friends what lies in their kitchen graveyards of dreams:
Lisa:
We have a collection of demitasse cups that I think are supposed to be used for espresso. We do not have an espresso maker. We do not drink espresso. One time I served my kids chocolate milk in them, and they pretended it was coffee. Because they also do not drink espresso.
Jessica:
The Le Creuset Set of Four Mini Cocottes With Cookbook (!)
As is the case with almost every pointless thing in our kitchen, these were on our registry and I have never, ever touched them. Petite but sturdy, understated but pricey enough to suggest that they were important, these little pots were a cute foursome of culinary promises and nesting dreams: I fantasized about cozy-but-sophisticated dinner parties during which I would serve our guests intricate mini-casseroles, or dainty appetizers with words like "en cocotte." I flipped through the accompanying cookbook and earmarked pages, but I never got any further than that. Dinner parties are too much work and the pots, too twee.
Janice:
Even though our kitchen was extremely short on storage space my mother gave me a "Presto Hot Dogger" for our first Christmas. The appliance was a plastic rectangular box with six probes along each of the long sides. You would skewer the ends of the hot dogs into the probes, close the lid and electrocute them for one minute at 120 volts. Since I already had a pot and no room for this superfluous item it went to the local thrift shop pretty quick. It's probably a collector's item now. [Editor's note: It's not.]
Mary:
I bought this totally ridiculous thing years ago: it is a round plate-sized slab of pink Himalayan salt on which you could heat and cook fish, or chill and serve cheese. I was tickled by the idea of it and we have never once used it. I should get rid of it.
I have a corn cobber, which in theory is supposed to daintily slice off corn kernels from the cob. It's from Williams-Sonoma. It sux. I remember distinctly making a special trip to the store on 6th Avenue and buying one for my mother and sisters as well. When I walked out of the store I, of course, ran into this guy that I dated briefly who is a politically active socialist. He looked like he was having a seizure he rolled his eyes so hard.
I bought a ridiculously expensive wooden spoon from Herriott Grace. This thing is beautiful! Sometimes I pick it up and trace my fingers along its smooth wood. Other times I rub it against my cheek. Someday I will stir a pot of soup with it and it will be glorious! I am afraid to use it.
ENRG
I have those same chicken cups!!! But I use them as shot glasses. Gets much more use. :)
Also, it is my dream to have one of those salt blocks, so if Mary wants a new home for it, I'll take it.
Mary Ann
I have a potato ricer I used once. It's horrible to use because you can't get enough leverage. I have a blender I rarely use (twice in four years) because I'm all about the immersion blender (I use it at least once a month).
Steph D
I have not one, but TWO terrible herb choppers that don't seem to do jack shizz. I also have demitasse cups that I use as candle holders. And I do drink espresso, I just don't need 12 tiny cups for me and my husband. I also have one of those pink salt things STILL IN THE BOX! My husband and I cook a lot, so people take advantage of that when selecting presents, and they're only rarely useful. We did get a garlic peeler which I used until it just didn't work anymore, and then we fortuitously got another one!
Abigail
I have the creme brulee torch too, except I use it...but mostly to melt cheese onto stuff. I also have a large-sized blowtorch in my kitchen which is more fun and more impressive, so maybe I don't need both of them....
Love Z.
I wish I could post pictures here. I just cleaned out my kitchen and found dozens of certifiably stupid kitchen items. The top (or bottom?) five:
5. Heart-shaped egg pan: I guess with a name like Love I had to have this?
4. Pancake molds (various characters and animal shapes): The one that especially irks me is the Pixar Cars set. My attempt at Finn McMissile ended up looking like a critical part of the male anatomy.
3. Fancy shoe-shaped wine bottle holder (or any wine bottle holder): Why do you need a holder for wine? It's got a flat bottom. Does just fine on its own.
2. Cheese grater in the shape of a lady (with plastic lady head on top): I've always had a fear of cheese graters. Imagine shredding too far and the blade going through your finders. The makers of this fancy grater put a face on that fear. Thank you very much.
1. Peanut butter and jelly spreader: Let me describe what this thing looks like. It's shaped like a kayak paddle with two spreaders on each side. One is purple (presumably for the jelly) and the other is brown. You get it. The very design of this thing irks me endlessly. Once you scoop and spread the jelly on the purple side how do you grasp the tool to scoop and spread the peanut butter? Unless you use it like an oar for a row boat, your hands are going to be full of jelly.